*•••  '•  ■■  - 
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NO  PLAYS  EXCHANGED. 


OA&^’ 


HIS  SECOND  TIME 
ON  EARTH 


A  FARCE  COMEDY  IN  THREE 

ACTS 


BY 


W.  C.  PARKER 

Author  of  “Those  Dreadful  Twins/’  “A  Black  Heifer ,”  “The 
I  Lonely ville  Social  Club  ,”  “ Brother  Josiah,”  '‘The 
I  Bank  Cashier,”  “The  Face  at  the  Window,”  “All 
a  Mistake,”  “Love  and  Anarchy,”  “A 
Friend  of  the  Whole  Family”  and 
“His  Second  Time  on  Earth.” 


4 


CHICAGO 

T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher 

163  Randolph  Street 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Flybynight . A  Theatrical  Manager  in  Hard  Straits 

Palmy  Days.  . .  .An  Old  Standby  in  Flybynighf s  Company 

Deputy  Sheriff . On  the  Track  of  Flybynighf 

Juve  Nile . The  Leading  Man  of  Flybynighf s  Company 

Settle  Outof  Court . Mrs.  Goodzvin’s  Attorney 

Linger  A.  While . Settle  Outof  Court’s  Clerk^ 

Prof.  Fakemup . A  Spiritualistic  Medium 

Pat  . . . Fakemup’ s  Assistant 

Captain . ..Of  the  Steamer  “Sacramento 

Second  Officer . Of  the  Steamer  “ Sacramento ’* 

Policemen. 

Spiritualistic  Gentleman. 

Society  Gentlemen. 

King  Fuclos  (pronounced  “Few-clothes”) . 

. Ruler  of  the  “Fu  Fu”  Islands. 

Big-Fite . A  “Fu  Fu”  Warrior 

Courier . An  Attendant  of  King  Fuclos 

First  Wee  Gee. 

Wee  Gee  Statue. 

“Fu  Fu”  Natives  and  Wee  Gee  Natives. 

Angelica  Goodwin . A  Society  Lady 

Ethel  Goodwin . Angelica’s  Daughter 

Wanto  Singhigh . Member  of  Flybynighf s  Company 

Ahi  Kicker . Member  of  Flybynighf s  Company 

Mary  . Fakemup’s  Assistant 

Spiritualistic  Ladies. 

Society  Ladies. 


Notice. — Production  of  this  play  is  free  to  amateurs,  but  the  sole 
professional  rights  are  reserved  by  the  author,  who  may  be  ad¬ 
dressed  in  care  of  the  publisher. 


COPYRIGHT,  1904,  BY  T.  S.  DENISON. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


8 


iNote. — If  desirable,  Fakemup  can  double  the  Captain 
the  Second  Act,  and  King  Fuclos  in  the  Third  Act. 
nger  can  double  Second  Officer  in  the  Second  Act  and 
g-Fite  in  the  Third  Act.  Pat  can  double  First 'Wee  Gee. 


h 

me — The  Present. 

.ace — Act  /. — Prof.  Fakemup' s  Seance  Room,  San  Fran¬ 
cisco.  - Act  II. — Passageway,  Steamer  “Sacramento;’ 
Act  III. — Exterior  Scene  Near  Headquarters  of  King 
Fuclos,  on  “Fit  Fn”  Islands. 
ime  of  Playing — About  Two  Hours. 


COSTUMES. 

tFLYBYNicfiT.,  Act  I. — Flashy  business  suit,  shabby,  light- 
)lored  plug  hat,  red  tie,  etc.  Change  to  Fakemup’s  cos- 
me.  Act  II. — Same  as  finish  of  Act  /.  Change  to  Cap- 
in's  uniform.  Act  III. — Same  as  finish  of  Act  IF  Put 
l  a  blanket  and  a  battered  silk  hat  to  represent  the  “King.” 
i Palmy  Days. — Shabby  misfit  black  suit,  with  frock  coat; 
ack  long-haired  wig  and  battered  silk  hat  throughout. 
Deputy  Sheriff. — Well-worn  business  suit,  slouch  hat 
id  goggles.  In  Act  III.  change  to  long  black  stockings, 
lickerbockers  covered  with  brown  fringe,  a  blanket  thrown 
ound  shoulders  and  retaining  the  goggles  and  slouch  hat. 
JUVE  Nile. — Nobby  business  suit  throughout. 

Settle  Outof  Court. — Stylish  suit  with  frock  coat  and 
k  hat. 

Linger  A.  While. — Well-worn  business  suit,  derby  hat. 
Prof.  Fakemup. — Well-worn  business  suit,  covered  with 
I-fashioned  dressing  gown  with  large  pockets.  Change  to 
.ybynight's  costume. 

Pat.- — Red  flannel  shirt,  light  trousers,  belt,  black  shoes. 
Captain. — Suitable  steamer  captain’s  uniform  and  cap. 
Second  Officer. — Suitable  blue  uniform  and  cap. 

King  Fuclos. — Brown  leggings,  sandals,  brown  trunks, 
inket,  black  long-haired  wig,  battered  silk  hat  with  feath- 
;  in. 

f 


4 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Big-Fite. — Same  as  King  Fuclos,  excepting  silk  hat. 

Courier.- — Same  as  Big-Fite. 

First  Wee  Gee. — Same  as  King  Fuclos,  except  that 
has  no  blanket  and  his  hat  is  light-colored  and  minus 
crown. 

Wee  Gee  Statue. — Same  as  First  Wee  Gee,,  except! 
that  he  has  an  enormous  straw  hat  and  is  wrapped  in 
sheet. 

Fu  Fu  Natives. — Brown  leggings  (or  long  stocking 
slippers  or  sandals,  brown  trunks,  blankets,  feathers  in  he 

Wee  Gee  Natives. — Black  leggings  (or  long  stocking; 
slippers  or  sandals,  black  trunks  and  blouses,  white  feath< 
in  hair.  No  blankets. 

Policemen. — Typical  uniform. 

Society  Gentlemen. — Stylish  walking  suits. 

Angelica. — Stylish  walking  gown. 

Ethel. — Stylish  walking  gown. 

Wanto. — Gaudy  house  gown. 

Ahi. — Red  waist,  blue -skirt,  tan  shoes,  white  tie,  gau 
picture  hat. 

Mary. — Red  wig,  gingham  dress,  white  apron. 

Society  Ladies. — Stylish  walking  gowns. 

Spiritualists. — Fanatical  and  peculiar  garb  of  all  kim 


PROPERTIES. 

Act  I. — Bottle,  bellows,  match  and  drum  for  Pat.  Meg 
phone  for  Fake m up.  Wallet  for  Linger.  Watches,  purse 
etc.,  for  Spiritualists.  Checkbook  for  Fly.  Coins  f< 
Society  People.  Purse  for  Ange.  Check  and  packag 
of  paper  money  for  Fly.  Watch  for  Linger. 

Act  II. — Makeup  box  for  Palm.  Penny  for  Fly.  Not 
book  and  pencil  for  Juve,.  Bag  of  tobacco  and  cigaret 
paper  for  Fly.  Sign  marked  “For  Sale”  and  sheet.  Sms 
anchor  and  scales  for  Palm. 

Act  HI. — Throne  for  Fuclos,  which  is  simply  a  rue 
chair  on  a  platform  with  handles.  Pedestal  for*  Statu 
Revolver  for  Dep.  Sher.  Pedestal  and  stake.  Rope  1 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


5 


bind  Fly.  Knife  for  Fuclos.  Gourds  for  drink.  Piece  of 
cloth  for  King.  Cocoanut  shell  cut  in  half  and  paper  for 
Palm. 


SYNOPSIS  FOR  PROGRAM. 

Act.  I. — Prof.  Fakemup  is  compelled  to  hold  a  special 
seance  to  raise  the  rent.  The  materialization.  Flybynight, 
running  across  roofs  in  an  effort  to  escape  from  the  sheriff, 
falls  through  the  skylight  of  Prof.  Fakemup’s  seance  room 
and  enters  upon  his  “Second  Time  on  Earth,”  thereby  pro¬ 
ducing  general  confusion. 

Act  II. — Aboard  the  steamer  “Sacramento.”  Palmy  de¬ 
ceives  the  widow  and  impersonates  the  “dear  departed  Au¬ 
gustus.”  The  storm.  Flybynight  assumes  command  of  the 
ship,  which  results  in  a  wreck. 

Act  III. — King  Fuclos  celebrates  his  victory  over  the 
Wee  Gees.  The  “Statue  of  the  God  of  Peace.”  The  in¬ 
truders.  Flybynight  in  the  new  role  of  an  “evil  spirit.” 
“Out  of  the  frying  pan  into  the  fire.”  Flybynight  saved  by 
strategy.  The  downfall  of  King  Fuclos.  The  new  king 
promises  “Deputy  Sheriff  Soup.”  Palmy  makes  a  discovery 
and  Angelina  agrees  with  Flybynight  that  “A  throne  with¬ 
out  a  queen  is  no  throne  at  all.” 


STAGE  SETTINGS. 
ACT  I. 

V 

INTERIOR  BACKING 

I  Curtain  Poles  I 

dl  Sofa  | 

<  and  Curtain.  Pat. , 

I _ __ _ I 

oooooooooo 

ooooooooo 

Chairs 


Door 


6 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


ACT  II. 


or 

Entrance 


INTERIOR  BACKING 


O  Small  Table 


Entrance 


I 


ACT  III. 

LANDSCAPE  BACKING 


Wood  Wings 

Wood  Wings 

Wood  Wings 

Wood  Wings 

STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

R.  means  right  of  the  stage ;  C.,  center ;  R.  C.,  right  cen¬ 
ter;  L.,  left;  R.  D.,  right  door;  L.  D.,  left  door,  etc.;  i  E., 
first  entrance;  U.  E.y  upper  entrance,  etc. ;  D.  F.,  door  in  flat 
or  scene  running  across  the  back  of  the  stage ;  I  G.,  first 
groove,  etc.  The  actor  is  supposed  to  be  facing  the  audi¬ 
ence. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


ACT  I. 

Scene. — Plain  chamber .  Center  door.  Door  R 2  E.  and 
L.  2  E.  Curtain  poles  extended  down  stage  on  each  side 
of  center  door  of  sufficient  length  when  enveloped  with 
curtains  to  represent  the  spiritualistic  cabinet.  A  suffi¬ 
cient  quantity  of  chairs  arranged  in  rows  to  contain  the 
assemblage  of  spiritualists. 

Discovered. — A  number  of  men  and  women  made  up  to 
represent  spiritual  fanatics,  with  peculiar  clothes,  etc. 
Seated  with  their  backs  to  the  audience  and  facing  the 
cabinet.  See  Scene  Plot  for  Stage  Settings. 

Mysterious  music  until  curtain  up. 

Enter  Fakemup  from  Cabinet  C. 

Fake.  ( Closing  curtains  behind  him.)  Ah,  my  good 
friends,  I  may  say  brethren  and  sisters,  it  does  my  heart 
good  to  see  you  assembled  here.  I11  fact,  it  was  my 
burning  desire  to  commune  with  you  that  led  me  to  call  a 
special  meeting  to-day,,  and  I  confess  I  could  scarcely  await 
the  hour  of  your  arrival,  so  greatly  did  I  yearn  for  your 
presence.  (Aside.)  The  room  rent  is  due  to-morrow. 

Pat.  ( Puts  his  head  out  from  behind  curtain  L.)  Any 

toime  you’se  is  ready  I  am. 

Fake.  (Motioning  Pat  to  disappear  and  keep  quiet.) 
Not  now,  not  now !  Keep  quiet,  or  you'll  spoil  everything. 
(Pat  disappears.  People  nudge  each  other  in  surprise.) 
Do  not  be  alarmed,  my  friends;  it  is  but  an  illustration  of 
the  impatience  of  the  ever- faithful  spirits.  (Pat  pushes 
aside  the  curtain,  revealing  himself  taking  a  drink  from  a 
bottle.) 


7 


8 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Pax.  That’s  it,  spirits  ! 

Fake.  ( Drawing  curtain  around  Pat.  Some  of  the 
people  arise  in  wonder.  Fake  motions  them  to  he  seated .) 
If  the  brethren  will  remain  seated,  I  will  try  to  sufficiently 
compose  my  mind  to  attract  the  attention  of  those  spirits 
who  are  willing  and  capable  of  the  marvelous  feat  of  ma¬ 
terialization.  (Lights  three-quarters  down.  Makes  mys¬ 
terious  passes  and  exit  in  cabinet.  Throwing  back  curtains, 
reveals  himself  on  a  sofa  holding  a  very  long  megaphone, 
through  which  he  calls  in  imitation  of  a  womans  voice.) 
Hello ! 

All.  Ah ! 

Linger.  Who  art  thou? 

Fake.  I  am  the  spirit  of  a  beautiful  German  princess. 

All.  Ah ! 

Fake.  After  years  of  vain  effort,  I  shall  at  last  succeed 
in  materializing  in  full  view  of  you  all,  dressed  in  my  regal 
robes  as  I  last  appeared  on  earth  at  the  court  of  the  king. 
Let  the  wind  blow.  (Wind  heard  howling.  Pat  pushes 
aside  curtain  and  is  perceived  working  a  bellows.  Mary 
stands  in  center  of  cabinet  dressed  as  a  typical  Irish  emi¬ 
grant  girl.) 

All.  Ah ! 

Fake.  (Aside  to  Mary).  Why  didn’t  you  dress  as  I 
told  you? 

Mary.  Do  yez  mean  to  say  thot  I’m  undressed? 

Fake.  Oh,  back,  back  to  the  laundry ! 

Mary.  Faith,  sir,  I'll  not  go  back  to  the  laundry  until 
yez  pay  me  the  wages  yez  promised  me.  (Fake  jumps  up, 
drazvs  the  curtain  together ,  concealing  himself  and  Mary 
from  the  audience.  All  lights  up.  Noise  of  fighting  heard 
inside  cabinet.) 

Linger.  Splendid ! 

Second  Spir.  Glorious ! 

Third  Spir.  How  lifelike.  . 

Fourth  Spir.  Magnificent.  (All  talk  at  once,  as  if 
greatly  pleased  at  the  wonderful  materialization.) 

Enter  Fake,  from  cabinet ,  nursing  his  eye,  as  if  it  had 
been  punched  or  scratched. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


9 


Fake.  {Announcing) .  My  dear  friends,  I  am  happy  to 
state  that  I  have  a  great  treat  in  store  for  you  to-day. 

All.  Amen ! 

Fake.  For  some  time  past  I  have  noticed  a  strange 
fluctuation  of  the  atmospheric  conditions  of  my  environ¬ 
ment.  Strange  dreams  haunted  me  by  night.  Wierd  noises 
filled  my  head  by  day.  (Pat  seen  working  bellows.)  Mysti¬ 
fied,  but  curious,  I  strove  to  solve  this  enigma,  and  have 
finally  learned  that  the  unusual  disturbances  were  occasioned 
by  the  strenuous  efforts  of  a  certain  spirit  to  appear  before 
us. 

All.  Amen !  * 

Fake.  And  I  have  since  ascertained  that  it  was  no  other 
than  the  spirit  of  that  great  and  noted  financier,  Mr.  A. 
Fishpond  Organ,  who  has  attempted  to  materialize  for  the 
purpose  of  instigating  the  formation  of  a  trust  to  control  the 
entire  traffic  between  the  earth  and  spirit  land. 

All.  Ah ! 

Fake.  Perfect  quiet — complete  repose — relaxed  nerves 
— and  implicit  confidence  in  me,  your  guide,  will  result  in 
the  appearance  in  our  very  midst  of  this  unique  ruler  of  the 
universe.  Let  there  be  darkness.  ( Lights  out.)  Let  the 
witches  appear.  (Pat  runs  across  the  stage  and  back  en¬ 
veloped  in  a  bed  sheet.)  Let  the  lightning  light.  (Pat 
lights  a  match  and  whirls  it  around  until  it  burns  out.)  Let 
the  thunder  roar.  (Pat  is  seen  pounding  a  large  drum.) 

Flybynight  zvalks  out  from  cabinet  trembling  from 
fright.  Great  enthusiasm  is  shown  by  assembled  spir¬ 
itualists. 

• 

Fly.  Was  I  jerked  or  was  I  pushed? 

Fake.  {Slapping  Fly.  on  the  back).  Brace  up,  old 
man,  remember  I  am  here. 

Linger.  Oh,  Mr.  Organ  {addressing  Fly.),  how  did 
you  get  all  your  money? 

Fly.  Well,  the  most  I  ever  had  was  from  holding  back 
the  actors’  salaries. 

All.  Oh ! 

Fly.  Now,  what  have  I  struck? 


10 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


All  ( Get  on  their  knees  before  Fly).  Oh,  please, 
please,  tell  us  how  to  make  money! 

Fly.  (Aside).  Well  this  is  certainly  the  limit.  Flere  I 
am  chased  over  the  housetops  by  a  sheriff  because  I  couldn’t 
raise  the  money  for  my  board  bill,  and  now  these  guys  rub 
it  in  by  asking  me  to  tell  them  how  to  make  money. 

Linger.  Oh,  Mr.  Organ,  won’t  you  please  answer  us? 

Fly.  What  do  you  take  me  for? 

Second  Spir.  Why,  aren’t  you  the  spirit  of  Mr.  A.  Fish¬ 
pond  Organ  ? 

Fly.  (Amazed).  Me,  a  spirit?  Well,  I  guess — 

Fake.  Of  course,  he  is  the  spirit  of  Mr.  A.  Fishpond 
Organ,  the  noted  financier.  (Fly.  amused.  Pantomimes 
to  Fake.,  points  to  himself,  etc.) 

Linger.  Then  why  does  he  not  answer  us? 

Fly.  (Pompously  clearing  liis  throat,  arms  akimbo, 
etc.).  Well,  it’s  like  this — you  see — I  never  was  much  on 
the  talkin’  biz,  ’specially  when  it  comes  to  answering  ques¬ 
tions  as  to  how  I  scooped  in  the  coin.  It  always  costs 
money  to  hear  me  talk,  and  I  don’t  give  no  free  perform¬ 
ances.  I  always  was  a  man  of  few  words.  While  the  other 
fellers  was  talkin’  I  was  investin’  the  long-green  and  reapin’ 
the  profits.  (Aside  to  Fake.).  How  am  I,  eh? 
( Winks.) 

Linger.  (Producing  a  wallet).  Oh,  Mr.  Organ,  will 
you  please  invest  my  money  for  me? 

Fly.  (Taking  the  wallet ).  My  dear  Christian  friend — 
( clears  his  throat) — far  be  it  from  me  to  bother  myself  with 
an  amount  as  small  as  you  undoubtedly  possess,  but — 

All  (Holding  out  zvatches,  purses,  etc.).  Oh,  please! 

Fly.  Well,  of  course,  if  you  insist  upon  getting  together 
and  forming  a  pool,  I  shall  be  compelled  to  consider  your 
proposition.  (Collects  the  valuables  from  the  various  spirit¬ 
ualists  and  places  them  in  his  pockets.)  Come  early  and 
avoid  the  rush — line  forms  on  this  side — examine  your 
tickets  and  change  before  leaving  the  window.  (Aside.) 
Well,  talk  about  a  puddin’,  this  is  like  finding  it.  And  to 
think  that  less  than  an  hour  ago  I  was  trying  to  raise  ten 
cents  to  purchase  a  kettle  of  suds.  (As  if  addressing  him - 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


11 


self.)  Shame  on  you  ( slaps  his  wrist).  If  you  ever  do  a 
thing  like  that  again,  I  shall  give  you  two  successive  slaps 
on  the  wrist. 

Fake.  {Aside).  This  fellow  is  a  hog.  He’ll  clean  out 
the  whole  bunch  and  I  won't  have  anything  to  pay  the  rent 
with. 

Fly.  The  company  will  now  declare  dividends.  ( Takes 
a  checkbook  from  one  of  the  wallets  he  has  received  and 
hands  a  check  to  each.) 

All.  What,  so  soon? 

Fly.  Cert.  Who  ever  heard  of  a  “get-rich-quick”  con¬ 
cern  that  didn’t  pay  a  dividend  in  less  than  twenty-four 
hours  ? 

Fake.  {Aside).  This  is  getting  serious  {starting).  Ah, 
an  idea !  I  shall  perform  the  marvelous  feat  of  changing 
clothes  with  a  materialized  spirit  and  thus  gain  possession 
of  the  valuables. 

Fly.  {Aside).  If  the  police  ever  ketch  me  with  all  this 
swag  in  me  clothes,  they’ll  send  me  up  for  life.  I  wish  I 
could  change  clothes  with  one  of  the  guys  without  puttin’ 
em  next  to  the  fact  that  I’m  no  spirit. 

Faice.  {To  the  Spiritualists).  Brethren  and  sisters,  to 
show  the  complete  control  I  have  over  the  spirit  world,  I 
will  now  show  you  the  greatest  test  ever  attempted.  You 
have  seen  me  materialize  the  spirit;  I  will  now  have  the 
pleasure  of  changing  clothes  with  the  spirit. 

Fly.  Delighted.  The  pleasure  is  all  mine.  {Aside.) 
Wait  until  the  police  ketch  him  in  my  clothes. 

(Fake  makes  mysterious  passes  with  his  hands  over 
Fly,  who  gradually  backs  into  the  cabinet  mysteriously , 
follozved  by  Fake,  who  draws  the  curtains  together,  con¬ 
cealing  them  from  the  audience.  Lights  out.  Finally 
lights  up,  Fake  draw's  aside  the  curtains  and  discloses  him¬ 
self  dressed  in  Fly/s  gaudy  suit ,  and  Fly.  busily  engaged 
in  storing  away  the  valuables  in  Fake's  suit,  which  he  nozv 
has  on.  Fake  steals  a  long  purse  out  of  Fly’s  pocket  and 
examines  the  contents  in  such  a  manner  as  to  let  the  audi¬ 
ence  see  zvhat  he  has  taken). 

Fake.  Behold !  He  is  me  and  I  am  he ! 

,  U.  OF  »U-  uB* 

I 


12  HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 

Fly.  (Laughing) .  He,  he! 

Hurry  music. 

Loud  noise  heard  L.  Police  break  in  door  L.  2  E. 


Deputy  Sheriff  (Pointing  to  Fake.).  There  he  is, 
seize  him!  (Two  Policemen  seize  Fake.) 

Fly.  Here’s  where  I  exit.  (Backs  into  cabinet ,  drawing 
curtains  together.  Great  confusion.) 

Fake.  What  does  this  mean? 

DEr.  Sher.  Oh,  you  know  what  it  means,  all  right! 

Fake.  (Struggling) .  Unhand  me,  scoundrel! 

Dep.  Spier.  Scoundrel,  eh?  Well,  you  take  my  advice 
and  don’t  have  the  charge  of  resisting  an  officer  added  to 
your  other  crimes. 

All.  Crimes  ? 

Fake.  ’Tis  false !  I  am  no  criminal.  I  am  Professor 
Fakemup,  the  noted  spiritualistic  medium. 

Dep.  Spier.  Oh,  yes,  you’re  medium ,  all  right,  and  you’ll 
soon  be  well  done. 

Fake.  (To  Spiritualists).  Brethren  and  sisters,  will 
you  stand  by  and  see  me — your  spiritual  leader — insulted  by 
this  minion  of  the  law?  (All  try  to  save  Fake.,  but  are  re¬ 
pulsed  by  the  police ,  zvho  drag  Fake  off  door  L.  2  E.,  fol¬ 
lowed  by  All.  Noise  of  a  big  fight  heard  off  L.  During 
above  Fly  has  business  of  trying  to  escape  from  the  cabi¬ 
net,  looking  over  the  top,  etc.) 

Stop  music. 


Enter  Fly  from  cabinet. 

Fly.  (Putting  a  ring  on  his  finger).  Talk  about  fall¬ 
ing  into  riches — this  is  better  than  Jack,  the  Giant  Killer. 
(Carefully  examines  ring,  flashes  it  in  front  of  his  eyes, 
etc.)  Now,  the  next  thing  is  to  get  out  of  here,  where  it 
will  be  of  some  use  to  me.  (Starts  L.) 

Enter  Palmy,  door  L. 

Fly.  Get  out  of  here ! 

Palm.  What’s  the  matter;  don’t  you  know  Ma? 

Fly.  I’ve  got  money  now,  I  don’t  know  anybody. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


13 


Palm.  {Incredulously) .  Money,  real  money? 

Fly.  ( Producing  money).  Yes,  real  money,  and  other 
valuables. 

Palm.  {Tragically) .  Shades  of  the  immortal  Shakes¬ 
peare  !  Avaunt !  Take  me  hence !  Whoever  heard  of  a 
manager  with  real  money — and  valuables,  too?  Alas,  ’tis 
too  much,  ’tis  too  much ! 

Fly.  How  did  you  get  in  here? 

Palm.  How  couldst  helpst?  Where  thou  goest  I  goest 
also.  And  remember,  I  have  not  this  night  had  my  ac¬ 
customed  beer  and  pretzels,  and  the  want  of  tobacco  my 
pipe  is  out  for ! 

Fly.  Where  is  the  rest  of  the  company? 

Palm.  Like  me,  they  were  searching  for  thee,  and  many 
of  the  ungrateful  wretches  didst  claim  thou  wronged  them, 
thou  wronged  them  to  so  surreptitiously  skip  out  from  their 
midst,  and  some  even  fain  would  chastize  thee  for  thy 
seeming  neglect.  But  I — I — to  me  remains  the  joy  of  find¬ 
ing  thee!  {Suddenly  changing  his  manner.)  Say,  Steve, 
where  did  you  make  the  raise? 

Fly.  Palmy,  you  have  stood  by  me  for  years. 

Palm.  Aye,  aye,  and  fallen  by  thee  also. 

Fly.  And  now,  at  last,  I  am  going  to  reward  you  — 

Palm.  {Eagerly  holding  out  his  hands.)  Yes — yes? 

Fly.  By  taking  you  into  my  confidence.  (Palm.,  dis¬ 
appointed ,  jabs  his  finger  in  his  neck.)  What’s  the  matter? 

Palm.  Oh,  I  got  it  again,  that’s  all  {pointing  to  neck). 
And  in  the  same  old  place. 

Fly.  {Producing  checkbook) .  See,  Palmy,  here  is  a 
check  for  a  thousand  dollars.  Take  it,  it  is  yours. 

Palm.  {Takes  the  check,  inspects  it,  and  hands  it  back 
to  Fly.).  Say,  give  me  a  nickel,  will  you,  to  get  a  glass  of 
beer  and  a  pretzel.  {Noise  heard  L.) 

Enter  Juve  Nile,  Wanto  and  Ahi.  door  L.  2  E. 

Ahi.  Where  is  he  ? 

Wanto.  The  scoundrel ! 

Juve.  Let  me  punch  him !  /  , 

Ahi.  Yes,  punch  him! 


14 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Wanto.  Say,  listen.  Let’s  pull  his  hairs  out — one  by 
one.  ( Grabs  at  Fly/s  hair.  All  rush  at  Fly.  threaten¬ 
ingly.)  ' 

Fly.  Stop!  You  do  not  understand. 

Ahi.  We  don’t  want  to  understand.  We  want  money. 

Fly.  Listen  to  me  and  I’ll  tell  you  how  to  get  it. 

Juve.  Oh,  that’s  an  old  gag. 

Fly.  But  let  me  explain. 

Wanto.  No,  no! 

Palm.  Ah,  what’s  the  matter  with  youse?  Why  don’t 
you  give  the  guy  a  chance? 

Fly.  ( Crossing  his  fingers).  You  can’t  touch  me. 

Juve.  We  never  could. 

Fly.  I  am  not  myself. 

Ahi.  Off  again. 

Fly.  This  is  my  second  time  on  earth. 

All.  Ha,  ha,  ha!  (Laughing) . 

Fly.  I  disappeared,  but  my  spirit  was  recalled  to  earth 
by  Professor  Fakemup,  the  great  spirit  medium,  and  he  ex¬ 
changed  places  with  me.  Now  I  am  Professor  Fakemup, 
and  he  has  gone  on  a  long,  long  journey  in  my  place. 

Palm.  (To  Fly.).  Why  don’t  you  give  it  to  ’em 
straight?  Cut  the  fairy  tale,  see?  I’m  wid  you. 

Fly.  I  have  a  scheme  to  make  money.  Professor  Fak¬ 
emup  did  a  land-office  business  in  this  joint  in  what  he  called 
materialization.  Hereafter  I  will  be  Professor  Fakemup, 
and  you  shall  be  the  spirits,  and  with  the  aid  of  your  make¬ 
up  boxes  we  shall  be  able  to  meet  all  comers  and  patch  up 
any  kind  of  a  spirit  they  are  willing  to  pay  to  see. 

Ahi.  Yes,  but  what  do  we  get  out  of  it? 

Fly.  Same  old  salary. 

Juve.  Which  was  nothing. 

Ahi.  Payable  in  good,  hard  wind. 

Wanto.  Say,  listen,  we’ve  all  got  to  eat.  What  do  you 
sav  if  we  give  it  a  trial  ? 

All.  Yes.  yes ! 

Fly.  That’s  the  stuff;  you  stick  to  the  spirit  business 
and  the  ghost  will  walk  every  night.  (Noise  of  laughing 
heard  L.)  Ahi,  go  see  who  it  is. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


15 


Ahi.  ( Runs  to  door  L.,  2  E.,  and  looks  out).  Why,  it’s 
a  crowd  of  society  people  out  doing  the  town. 

Fly.  Aha,  just  as  1  expected.  Here’s  where  we  get  the 
money.  Into  the  cabinet,  every  one  of  you,  and  prepare 
yourselves  to  represent  any  kind  of  a  spirit  the  easy  marks 
are  willing  to  pay  for. 

Alii.  (To  Fly.).  Remember,  no  con  business  goes  in 
this  deal.  We  must  get  our  share,  see?  or  the  spirits  will 
refuse  to  materialize.  (Exit  in  cabinet ,  followed  by  Wanto> 
Juve  and  Palmy.) 

Fly.  That’s  the  most  mercenary  gang  I  ever  did  see. 

Enter  Angelica  and  Ethel,  followed  by  several  Society 

People. 

Ange.  Have  we  the  pleasure  of  addressing — 

Fly.  Professor  Fakemup,  at  your  service. 

Eth.  Oh,  good!  Isn’t  it  perfectly  lovely  to  find  him  at 
home !  Now,  we  shall  be  able  to  see  some  real  spirits  at 
last.  ( The  Society  People  all  giggle ,  nudge  each  other, 
and  appear  greatly  amused.) 

Fly.  Well,  I  guess.  Youse  is  goin’  to  see  all  the  spirits 
you’re  willin’  to  pay  for.  That’s  my  style.  Give  ’em  what 
they  wants,  sez  I,  and  then  they’re  going  to  patronize  you 
during  the  entire  engagement. 

Ange.  What  is  that  about  an  engagement?  I  trust  we 
are  not  interfering — 

Fly.  Oh,  no,  not  at  all.  The  last  engagement  I  had 
was  so  long  ago,  I  almost  forget  it.  Anyhow,  I  didn’t  get 
my  bit,  ’cause  the  ghost  never  did  walk. 

Eth.  (To  Society  People).  How  funny  he  talks! 

Ang.  What  an  atmosphere  of  mystery  pervades  this 
place ! 

Eth.  Yes,  it  reminds  me  so  much  of  the  seminary. 

Fly.  (Aside).  Cemetery?  They’ll  be  taking  this  for 
the  morgue  next.  (To  Ange.)  What  kind  of  a  spirit  did 
you  say  you  wanted  to  see? 

Eth.  He  talks  as  if  he  had  all  kinds  on  sale. 

Fly.  Yes,  as  my  friend,  the  saloon-keeper,  said,  we  both 
keep  our  spirits  on  tap. 


16 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Ange.  ( Aside  to  Fly.).  I  am  a  widow! 

Fly.  (Aside).  Oh,  this  is  so  sudden! 

Ange.  I  should  like  so  much  to  converse  with  the  spirit 
of  my  dear  departed  Augustus. 

Fly.  Alone  or  in  private? 

Ange.  Alone,  by  all  means,  if  it  is  possible. 

Eth.  Oh,  let  us  see  the  spirit  of  Cleopatra. 

Fly.  Anything  to  please  the  ladies.  ( Takes  his  hat  and 
passes  it  to  each  of  the  Society  People.)  One  dollar  each, 
please.  (Aside.)  Comes  high,  but  we  need  the  money. 
(Each  one  drops  a  coin  in  Fly/s  hat.  Fly.  pockets  the 
money ,  goes  to  the  cabinet ,  waves  his  arms  frantically  and 
yells)  Antony,  Antony,  bring  forth  thy  Cleopatra! 

Palm.  (Sticking  his  head  out  of  the  cabinet).  You 
want  me,  boss? 

Fly.  (Aside  to  Palm.).  Git  back,  git  back;  what’s  the 
matter  with  you?  Don’t  spoil  the  game.  (Again  yelling.) 
Antony!  Oh,  Antony,  bring  forth  thy  Cleopatra.  (In  an 
undertone)  Bring  out  Ahi.  Do  you  hear  me?  Bring  out 
Ahi.  (Palm,  enters  from  cabinet ,  leading  Ahi  by  the 
hand.)  There,  ladies  and  gents,  is  the  real  and  only  Cleo¬ 
patra.  Guaranteed  to  be  sixteen  karat  fine,  all  wool  and  a 
yard  wide.  Specially  imported  for  this  great  aggregation  of 
the  principal  wonders  of  the  world  at  an  enormous  expense 
to  the  management  and  no  extra  charge  to  our  delighted 
patrons.  The  show  is  over,  ladies  and  gents,  and  Cleo  will 
retire  to  her  cage — excuse  me,  happy  hunting  grounds.  All 
those  holding  tickets  for  the  concert  may  remain  and  see 
the  elephant  climb  the  center  pole. 

Eth.  How  amusing ! 

Ange.  (Aside  to  Fly.).  Will  you  do  as  I  ask? 

Fly.  (Aside  to  Ange..).  Yes,  but  I  must  see  you  alone. 
(To  Eth.  and  Society  People)  Now,  if  the  ladies  and 
gents  will  kindly  step  into  the  anteroom,  we  will  prepare 
for  the  big  show.  (Points  to  door  R.  2  E.,  and  opens  same 
for  them  to  exit.  All  cross  R.,  casually  inspecting  the  cabi¬ 
net,  etc.,  as  they  do  so,  and  exeunt  door  R.  2  E.) 

Ange.  (Returning,  to  Fly.).  Now? 

Fly.  How  much  money  have  you  with  you? 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


17 


Ange.  I  don’t  know  exactly;  I  should  say  about  five 
hundred  dollars. 

Fly.  That  will  do.  Pass  it  over. 

Ange.  ( Taking  purse  from  pocket).  You  are  sure  that 
I  can  see  my  dear  departed  Augustus,  and  speak  to  him  ? 

Fly.  Sure  thing. 

Ange.  ( Handing  him  the  purse).  Here  is  the  money. 

Fly.  (Taking  purse).  I  have  called  upon  his  spirit  to 
appear.  He  is  now  on  the  way.  (Aside)  This  is  a  great 
gag.  Here’s  where  her  husband  turns  the  tables  on  her. 
Many’s  the  time  she  cost  him  five  hundred  dollars,  and  now 
she  has  to  pay  that  much  just  to  talk  to  him.  (To  Ange.) 
Speaking  of  your  husband,  I  think  I  see  him  now.  (Points 
in  front  of  her  mysteriously.)  He  was  a  tall,  slim  man, 
wasn’t  he,  with  a  long,  flowing  moustache? 

Ange.  Why,  no ;  you  are  mistaken.  He  was  short  and 
rather  stout,  and  always  went  clean  shaven. 

Fly.  Oh,  yes;  so  he  did.  I  was  looking  at  another  fel¬ 
low.  I  see  him  now.  (Business  of  pointing.)  He  had 
large  blue  eyes  and  light  hair. 

Ange.  Why,  no ;  he  had  small  black  eyes  and  dark  curly 
hair. 

Fly.  Well,  now,  that’s  funny,  I  should  get  him  mixed 
up  with  somebody  else.  Excuse  me  a  moment  while  I  com¬ 
mune  with  the  spirit  land.  (Goes  to  cabinet  and  runs  into 
Palmy,  zvho  has  been  standing  close  to  the  entrance.  Both 
yell  “Ought”  Fly.  makes  mysterious  passes  in  front  of 
cabinet,  punches  at  the  curtain  as  if  trying  to  hit  Palm., 
and  exit  in  cabinet.) 

Ange.  Oh,  I  do  hope  he  will  succeed.  Just  think  how 
delighted  my  poor  departed  Augustus  will  be  to  again  com¬ 
mune  with  his  doting  Angelica. 

Enter  Fly.  from  cabinet. 

Fly.  (Making  mysterious  passes  with  his  hands).  Oh, 
Augustus,  Augustus,  come  forth,  my  dear  Augustus! 

Enter  Palm,  from  cabinet,  made  up  to  resemble  as  closely 
as  possible  the1  description  given  by  Ange. 

Ange.  ’Tis  he!  Dear,  dear  Augustus,  won’t  you  speak 
to  me? 


18 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Palm.  Sure,  I’ll  speak.  What’s  in  it? 

Fly.  ( Aside  to  Palm.).  Shut  up,  you  fool! 

Palm.  ( Confused .  Imagines  that  Fly.  is  coaching  him 
as  to  what  to  say).  Shut  up,  you  fool! 

Ange;.  Don’t  you  know  me,  Augustus? 

Palm.  Sure,  Fd  know  you  anywhere. 

Fly.  ( Aside  to  Palm.).  I’ll  kill  you  in  a  minute. 

Ange.  Augustus,  dear,  you  know  when  you  died  you 
left  no  will,  and  I  have  often  wished  that  I  could  ascertain 
your  wishes  in  regard  to  a  division  of  the  property.  Won’t 
you  advise  me  what  to  do? 

Fly.  ( Aside  to  Palm.).  Actors’  Home,  $10,000,  under¬ 
stand  ?  Work  it  up.  Great  gag ! 

Palm.  (Repeating) .  Actors’  Home.  Ten  thousand 
dollars.  Understand?  Work  it  up.  Great  gag! 

Ange.  Why,  Augustus,  what  do  you  mean? 

Fly.  (To  Ange.).  The  strain  of  materialization  is  too 
great;  he  is  scarcely  able  to  speak.  It  seems  he  wants  you 
to  devote  $10,000  to  building  a  home  for  actors. 

Ange.  But  this  is  so  unusual.  He  always  had  the  greatest 
antipathy  to  actors  or  anything  connected  with  the  stage. 

Fly.  (Aside).  Why,  the  mean'old  thing! 

Ange.  (To  Palm.)  However,  it  shall  be  as  you  say, 

my  dear  Augustus.  But  who  shall  undertake  the  task  of 
providing  such  an  establishment? 

Fly.  (Aside  to  Palm.).  Me!  Say  me! 

Palm.  (Repeating).  Me,  say  me! 

Fly.  (Aside  to  Palm.).  Fool. 

Palm.  (Repeating).  Fool. 

Ange.  (To  Palm.).  Why,  Augustus,  I  am  surprised. 
Whom  do  you  wish  to  select? 

Fly.  (Aside  to  Palm.).  Say  your  old  friend  Fakemup. 

Palm.  (Repeating) .  Your  old  friend  Fakemup. 

Ange.  Why,  I  never  met  the  man  before  to-day. 

Fly.  (Motioning  to  Palm.,  points  to  himself.  Palm. 
repeating,  points  to  himself). 

Ange.  (To  Fly.).  Why,  what  does  he  mean? 

Fly.  He’s  trying  to  tell  you-  that  his  strength  is  failing; 
that  he  cannot  remain  here  much  longer.  See!  He  is  even 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


19 


now  disappearing.  ( Motioning  to  Palm.)  He  is  fading 
from  view.  (Palm,  backs  up  toward  cabinet.)  Soon  he 
will  be  with  you  no  more. 

Ange.  ( Holding  handkerchief  to  her  eyes.  Tearfully). 
Oh,  dear  Augustus,  do  not  leave  me.  (Palm,  backs  up  to 
cabinet ,  catches  his  foot  in  the  curtain ,  falls  backward,  pull¬ 
ing  the  cabinet  dozen  over  him.  Struggles  up  and  exit  C.  D. 
Ange.  screams  and  exit  R.  2  E.,  followed  by  Fly.). 

Enter  Juve,  Aiii  and  Wanto,  door  C. 

Juve.  What’s  the  use  of  kickin’?  Why  don’t  you  wait 
until  he  refuses  to  pay  you  ? 

Ahi.  Well,  you  can  bet  he  will  pay  me  or  there’ll  be 
the  biggest  row  you  ever  heard. 

Wanto  ( Doubling  up  fist).  To  say  nothing  of  what 
he’ll  get  from  me. 

Enter  Fly.,  door  R.  2  E. 

Fly.  ( Excitedly ).  I’ve  got  it!  I’ve  got  it! 

All.  Got  what  ? 

Fly.  The  check,  money!  I’ll  be  back  in  a  minute.  Wait 
for  me.  Don’t  do  anything  till  you  hear  from  me.  {Exit 
hurriedly,  door  L.  2  E.) 

Ahi.  I  always  told  you  that  he’d  go  daffy  if  he  didn’t 
quit  smokin’  those  cigarettes. 

Wanto.  We’ve  got  him  sure  enough  this  time. 

Juve.  He  must  have  had  something  to  drink  in  the  next 
room. 

0  -  • 

Enter  Fly.,  door  L.  2  E.,  zvith  packages  of  paper  money. 

Fly.  {U nzvrapping  a  package  and  throwing  the  bills  in 
the  air).  And  the  bank  was  right  across  the  street. 

All.  WhaFs  this  ? 

Fly.  Can’t  you  see?  Money!  Money!  Money  to  burn! 

Enter  Palm.,  door  C.,  all  broken  up.  Limping. 

Fly.  Come  here,  Palmy;  here’s  where  you  git  your 
salary,  all  in  chunks.  ( Goes  to  Palm,  and  hands  him  a 
package  of  bills.) 

Palm.  What  is  it,  stage  money? 


20 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Fly.  No,  Palmy,  it’s  the  real  goods  at  last.  Here  are 
a  thousand  dollars  for  you.  I  guess  that’ll  settle  up  all  the 
back  salary  I  owe  you. 

Palm.  (Refusing) .  No,  I  won’t  take  it.  I’ve  been  on 
the  boards  for  nearly  thirty  years,  and  I  never  got  a  full 
salary  in  my  life,  and  I  positively  refuse  to  start  in  at  my 
time  of  life  to  encourage  any  such  foolishness. 

Fly.  (To  All.  Pointing  C.).  Go!  Go!  All  of  you! 
Tell  the  rest  the  show  will  start  out  again  to-morrow;  per¬ 
haps  to-day.  Hurry  up !  And  tell  them  that  the  board  bills 
will  be  settled  immediately.  (All  gather  up  a  handful  of 
bills  and  exeunt  door  C.  Fly.  throwing  up  another  package 
of  bills) .  Hurrah  !  Hurrah ! 

Enter  Settle,  door  L.  2  E. 

Settle  (Gazing  at  Fly.  in  surprise).  Excuse  me.  Are 
Mrs.  Goodwin  and  her  daughter  here? 

Fly.  (Gazing  at  Settle  abstractedly) .  Mrs.  who? 

Enter  Ange.,  door  R.  2  E.,  followed  by  Ethel  and  party. 

Settle  (Crossing) .  Why,  my  dear  Mrs.  Goodwin, 
I  am  so  glad  to  find  you. 

Ange.  Why,  what  has  happened? 

Settle.  Did  you  not  receive  my  note? 

Ange.  Why,  no;  I  have  not  heard  from  you  in  over  a 
week. 

Settle.  That  is  strange.  But  no  matter.  I  can  explain 
its  import.  Yesterday,  in  looking  over  some  papers  belong¬ 
ing  to  another  client,  I  discovered  some  of  your  husband’s 
documents,  and  among  them  a  prescription  for  an  embalm¬ 
ing  fluid,  the  secret  of  which  he  had  obtained  in  the  Sand¬ 
wich  Islands,  and  to  which  was  attached  an  offer  of  five 
hundred  thousand  dollars,  evidently  received  just  prior  to 
his  death. 

Ange.  Yes,  yes;  I  remember  there  was  such  a  prescrip¬ 
tion. 

Settle.  Very  well.  But,  unfortunately,  I  have  been  un¬ 
able  to  find  the  clerk  by  whom  I  sent  you  the  note  con¬ 
taining  the  prescription. 

Hurry  music,  pp. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


21 


Enter  Linger,  door  L.  2  E. 

Linger.  Where  is  he?  Where  is  he? 

All.  He?  Who? 

Linger  (To  Settle).  Oh,  sir,  it  was  wrong,  I  know 
it  was,  but  I  met  a  party  of  friends  and  could  not  restrain  a 
desire  to  visit,  for  the  first  time,  a  spiritualistic  seance  held  in 
this  very  room.  While  here,  the  medium  was  supposed  to 
materialize  the  spirit  of  a  noted  financier,  A.  Fishpond 
Organ,  who  expressed  a  willingness  to  invest  whatever 
money  might  be  placed  in  his  care.  In  the  excitement  of  the 
moment,  I  placed  my  wallet  in  his  hands,  forgetting  that  the 
envelope  which  you  entrusted  to  my  care  was  in  that  wallet. 

Settle.  The  contents  of  that  note  were  well  worth  five 
hundred  thousand  dollars. 

Fly.  ( Back  up  R.  Etas  business  of  examining  all  his 
pockets  in  an  intense  desire  to  find  the  missing  wallet,  not 
realizing  that  the  same  was  taken  from  his  pocket  by 
Fakemup  when  they  changed  clothes). 

Linger.  Where  is  Fakemup? 

Ange.  ( Pointing  to  Fly.).  Why,  there  he  is! 

Linger.  No,  not  him;  the  other  one? 

Fly.  He  was  taken  to  the  police  station. 

Settle  (To  Linger).  Run  there  as  quickly  as  you  can. 
I  will  wait  for  you  here. 

Linger.  As  you  say,  sir.  (Exit  door  L.  2  E.) 

Settle  (To  Ange.).  If  that  document  is  lost,  I  shall 
never  forgive  myself  for  entrusting  it  to  that  stupid  fool. 

Ange.  Oh,  never  mind ;  I  have  no  doubt  but  that  he  will 
be  able  to  find  it  at  the  police  station. 

Enter  Fakemup,  door  L .  2  E.,  coatless,  hatless,  all  broken  up. 

Fake.  (To  Fly.).  What  do  you  mean  by  such  actions? 
Imposter !  Scoundrel !  Get  out  of  here  immediately ! 

Enter  Palm.,  Juve,  Ahi  and  Wanto,  door  C. 

Fly.  (To  Fake.).  The  coat,  my  coat!  The  one  you 
had  on!  Tell  me,  where  is  it? 

Fake.  I  left  it  at  the  police  station. 

Settle.  Good;  then  my. clerk  will  get  it  there. 

Enter  Linger,  hastily,  L.  2  E.  Fake,  and  Fly.  gesticu¬ 
late  with  each  other  up  R. 


22 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Linger.  It  was  not  there ;  it  is  gone !  Oh,  I  am  lost. 

( Sees  Fake.  Rushes  to  him.)  Tell  me,  you  saw  my  wal¬ 
let,  did  you  have  it?  Where  is  it? 

Fake.  Yes,  I  saw  it.  It  was  in  the  coat  I  wore  to  the 
police  station. 

Settle.  And  where  is  the  coat?  Speak  the  truth,  my 
good  man,  and  you  shall  be  well  rewarded. 

Fake.  On  my  way  back  I  met  a  band  of  missionaries 
about  to  start  for  the  Sandwich  Islands.  One  of  them  asked 
me  for  assistance  to  their  worthy  cause.  I  told  him  I  had 
no  money  with  me,  but  gave  him  the  coat,  which  was  all  I 
could  spare,  and  hastened  on  my  way. 

Settle.  The  missionaries  were  to  sail  on  the  steamer 
“Golden  Gate.”  It  sails  at  noon,  precisely. 

Linger  ( Looking  at  his  watch).  It  is  now  twelve 
twenty-five. 

Ange.  Then  they  have  gone. 

Fly.  And  the  wallet  is  lost.  (Faints  in  Fake/s  arms.) 

Settle.  Five  hundred  thousand  dollars  is  well  worth 
securing. 

Ange.  You  are  right.  Hasten  to  the  steamship  office! 
Engage  the  fastest  steamer  in  the  harbor,  and  we  will  try  to 
intercept  them ! 

Settle.  It  shall  be  as  you  say.  (Exit  door  L.  2  E.) 

Fly.  (Recovering) .  And  we’ll  go  along,  and  start  the 
Actors’  Home  in  the  Sandwich  Islands ! 

Ange.  ( Turning ,  perceives  Palm.  Screams  and  yells). 
Oh,  Augustus !  (Starts  toward  Palm,  in  an  appealing  man¬ 
ner.) 

Ethel  (Restraining  Ange.).  Why,  mamma,  what  is 
the  matter? 

Fly.  (Grabbing  Palm,  and  pulling  him  away  from 
Ange.).  Back  up,  }rou  fool,  or  you’ll  spoil  everything. 

Palm.  (Repeating  to  Ange.).  Back  up,  you  fool,  or 
you’ll  spoil  everything! 

PICTURE.  '  Y  -K| 

Swell  music. 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


23 


ACT  II. 

Scene. — Plain  interior,  doors  R.  and  L.,  card  on  door  R.  C. 

marked  “ Captain Cards  bearing  numbers  on  other' 

doors.  See  Scene  Plot  for  stage  settings. 

Lively  nautical  music  until  curtain  up. 

Enter  Captain  and  Second  Officer,  door  R.,  and  stand 

center. 

Second  Officer.  I  tell  you,  Captain,  she’ll  be  the  neat¬ 
est  craft  that  ever  sailed  the  waters. 

Captain.  How  long  you  been  working  on  this  idea? 

Sec.  Off.  Oh,  I  built  the  model  three  years  ago,  and  one 
day  an  eastern  capitalist  interested  himself  and  put  in  an 
order  to  build  a  boat  after  my  plans ;  and  the  foreman  of  the 
ship  building  works  told  me  to-day  that  she  would  be  ready 
for  a  trial  trip  on  our  return  from  this  voyage. 

Dep.  Sher.  sticks  his  head  out  door  R.  and  listens. 

Capt.  What  do  you  expect  to  do  with  her? 

Sec.  Off.  Oh,  I  expect  to  take  quite  a  cruise  if  she 
doesn’t  bust  her  nose  on  the  rocks. 

Capt.  How  are  you  going  to  be  able  to  guard  against  a 
discovery  of  your  scheme  ? 

Sec.  Off.  Oh,  I  have  selected  my  men  all  right  for  that 
purpose.  Every  one  of  them  is  as  mum  as  an  oyster. 

Capt.  That’s  a  good  idea. 

Dep.  Sher.  {Aside).  What  is  this  I  hear? 

Sec.  Off.  Her  nose  is  a  perfect  model. 

Capt.  Pointed  or  curved? 

Sec.  Off.  Pointed. 

Capt.  That’s  good ;  she’ll  cut  through  the  water  faster. 

Sec.  Off.  Well,  if  she  don’t,  I’ll  have  it  cut  off  and 
change  her  model  all  right,  alk  right ! 

Dep.  Sher.  (Aside).  Aha!  They’re  going  to  cut  off 
somebody’s  nose,  eh  ? 

Capt.  Do  you  remember  the  time  we  stove  up  the  other 
one  on  the  rocks  ? 

Sec,  Off.  Yes;  didn’t  she  go  to  the  bottom  in  a  hurry? 


24 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Capt.  (Laughing) .  I  suppose  her  ribs  are  sticking  in 
the  mud  down  there  yet. 

Sec.  Off.  (Laughing) .  Yes,  that  certainly  was  a  rum 
job.  >  .  . 

'Capt.  Well,  I  hope  you  have  better  luck  this  time. 

Sec.  Off.  Well,  if  I  don’t,  I’ll  send  her  to  Davey  Jones’ 
locker  in  a  hurry,  you  can  bet. 

Capt.  We’d  better  go  up  on  deck  before  something  hap¬ 
pens. 

Sec.  Off.  Aye,  aye,  sir,  right  you  are!  (Exeunt  Cap¬ 
tain  and  Second  Officer  door  L.) 

Enter  Deiputy  Sheriff  from  door  R. 

Dep.  Sher.  Well,  this  is  certainly  the  limit!  I  come  all 
this  way  to  nab  that  fellow  Flybynight  for  jumping  his 
board  bill,  and  here  I  fall  right  onto  a  plot  that  would  make 
Sherlock  Holmes’  hair  stand  on  end.  But  just  let  me  catch 
them  cornin’  their  murderin’  games  while  I’m  on  board  this 
ship  and  I’ll  see  to  it  that  they  get  all  that’s  cornin’  to  them. 
(Shaking  his  fist  L.)  Oh,  you  villains!  Beware  how  you 
plot  to  cut  off  noses  and  carry  out  your  other  murderous 
designs !  for  I  am  on  your  track.  And  when  you  least  ex¬ 
pect  it,  I  will  be  there  to  thwart  your  vile  schemes !  (Again 
shaking  his  fist  L.)  Don’t  forget.  I’ll  be  there.  I’ll  be 
there!  (Exit,  door  R.) 

Enter  Wanto  and  Am,  door  L. 

Wanto.  Well,  of  all  the  crazy  ideas  I  ever  heard  of,  this 
is  the  worst ! 

Ahi.  To  think  of  our  being  buncoed  into  sailing  to  the 
Sandwich  Islands  on  a  wild  goose  chase  like  this. 

Wanto.  And  all  to  secure  a  piece  of  paper. 

Am.  Which  nobody  is  sure  ever  existed. 

Wanto.  Well,  if  I  don’t  get  some  money  to-night  I’ll 
quit,  and  that’s  all  there  is  about  it. 

Ahi.  And  then  what  will  you  do? 

Wanto.  Why,  go  back  home  again,  of  course. 

Ahi.  Well,  how  are  you  going  to  get  there?  The  walk¬ 
ing  isn’t  very  good  on  the  Pacific  Ocean. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


25 


Wanto.  Oh,  I’ll  find  some  way  to  get  there,  all  right. 
If  I  can’t  do  any  better,  I’ll  tear  the  blooming  ship  to  pieces, 
and  make  it  into  a  raft.  I’ll — I’ll - 

Enter  Fly.,  door  L.,  follozvcd  by  Palm. 

Fly.  (To  Wanto  and  Ahi).  Why,  ladies,  what  are 
you  doing  down  here?  Why  aren’t  you  up  on  deck  enjoy¬ 
ing  the  beautiful  scenery? 

Wanto.  Oh,  that’s  an  old  story.  All  the  pay  I  got  for 
the  first  three  seasons  was  to  look  at  the  scenery.  What  I 
want  is  money,  and  plenty  of  it,  do  you  hear? 

Ahi.  Yes,  money  and  plenty  of  it. 

Fly.  Why,  my  dear  ladies,  I  beg  of  you  not  to - 

Wanto.  Now,  don’t  try  to  jolly  us.  We  won’t  stand 
for  it. 

Ahi.  And  that  goes,  too,  see ! 

Palm.  Why  don’t  you  give  him  a  chance - 

Fly.  (I nter raping).  Listen,  ladies,  say  no  more.  Quit 
your  kicking,  and  hereafter  I’ll  guarantee  to  give  you  each 
a  star  dressing  room. 

Wanto.  Oh,  that’s  different. 

Ahi.  Now  you’re  talking  business. 

Wanto.  (To  Ahi).  Come  on,  dear,  let’s  go  up  on  deck 
and  enjoy  the  beautiful  scenery. 

Ahi.  Yes,  dear,  let  us  enjoy  the  beautiful  scenery.  (Ex¬ 
eunt  Wanto  and  Ahi  door  L.) 

Palm.  (Imitating  Wanto  and  Ahi).  Yes,  let  us  en¬ 
joy  the  beautiful  scenery.  (Exit  after  Wanto  and  Ahi.) 

Fly.  Talk  about  an  all  star  troupe,  I  won’t  be  able  to  see 
anything  but  stars  if  I  keep  on  promising  star  dressing 
rooms. 

Enter  Dep.  Sher.,  door  R. 

Dep.  Sher.  Aha,  I’ve  caught  you  at  last ! 

Fly.  (Aside).  That’s  me.  It  isn’t  hard  to  catch  a  fly. 
(Referring  to  his  name.) 

Dep.  Sher.  Don’t  get  fly  with  me. 

Fly.  No,  I’ll  not  fly  with  thee.  In  fact,  I  prefer  my 
own  company.  Ta,  ta,  old  man!  See  you  later.  I’m  going 
up  on  deck  to  look  at  the  beautiful  scenery.  (Exit,  quickly, 
door  L .) 


26 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Dep.  Sher.  All  right,  you  may  escape  me  this  time,  but 
the  next  time  I  see  you,  I’ll  be  there !  {Exit,  door  L.,  after 
Fly.  Loud  noise  heard.) 

Enter  Fly.,  door  L.  All  broken  up. 

Fly.  That  deputy  sheriff  is  the  hardest  man  to  get  away 
from  that  I  ever  tackled.  I  wouldn’t  mind  so  much  about 
his  busting  my  hat,  and  tearing  my  clothes,  but  when  it 
comes  to  giving  me  a  black  eye,  I  cry  quits.  I’ll  have  to 
get  out  of  here,  or  the  first  thing  I  know  he’ll  be  giving  me 
another  dose  of  his  love  taps.  {Runs  to  first  door  L.  C., 
and  tries  to  exit.  The  occupant  screams  and  shakes  her  fist 
at  Fly.  as  he  reappears.  Fly.  goes  to  door  R.  C.,  marked 
“Captain.”  Opens  door  and  looks  out.)  There  is  the 
Captain,  asleep  !  Ah  !  a  scheme !  I’ll  give  him  a  potion  that 
will  make  him  sleep  for  the  rest  of  the  voyage.  Then  I’ll 
assume  command  of  the  ship  and  sail  her  whither  the  spirit 
moves  me.  {Exit  door  R.  C.) 

Enter  Palm.,  door  L.,  carrying  an  actor’s  makeup  box, 
which  he  places  on  a  small  table,  R. 

Palm.  I  have  an  idea  which  is  a  great  idea.  When 
Mrs.  Goodwin  desired  to  talk  to  the  spirit  of  her  dear  de¬ 
parted  Augustus,  I  impersonated  him  so  carefully  that  she 
thought  he  had  truly  returned  to  life.  It  is  more  than  evi¬ 
dent  that  she  loved  him.  Aye,  loved  him  much.  Now,  if 
it  was  possible  for  me  to  pass  myself  off  as  her  husband, 
why  shouldn’t  I  put  on  that  same  make-up  and  retain  it  in 
such  a  manner  as  to  remain  her  husband  ?  What’s  the  dif¬ 
ference  as  long  as  she  does  not  realize  the  substitution,  it 
will  but  make  her  the  happier  and  as  for  me — it  might  pro¬ 
vide  me  with  an  eternal  meal  ticket.  I’ll  try  it.  {He  opens 
the  make-up  box,  and  gradually  makes  up  the  same  as  in  act 
-first,  when  he  impersonated  the  spirit  of  Angelica’s  hus¬ 
band,  interpolating  such  lines  as  “The  nose  is  perfect,”  “ the 
eyes — great,”  “that  is  the  exact  curve  of  the  mouth,”  etc., 
etc.,  while  gazing  in  the  mirror  as  he  is  making  up.  Be¬ 
stows  a  final  glance  in  the  mirror  as  he  finishes.  Stage 
lights  down,  three-fourths.) 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


27 


Enter  Ange.,  from  state  room,  L.  C. 

Ange.  {Soliloquizing) .  For  some  reason  I  cannot  sleep 
to-night.  Ever  since  I  was  enabled  to  look  upon  the  ma¬ 
terialized  spirit  of  my  dear,  departed  Augustus,  his  form  has 
been  constantly  before  me.  Waking  or  sleeping,  I  seem  to 
be  gazing  upon  his  loving  face — just  as  he  appeared  in  life. 
I  wonder  what  it  all  means?  Is  he  merely  signifying  his 
desire  to  be  near  me,  or  is  it  prophetic  of  coming  events,  im¬ 
plying  that  I  am  soon  to  join  him  in  the  great  beyond? 
{Perceives  Palm,  and  suppresses  a  slight  scream.)  There 
he  is  now  !  I  am  almost  inclined  to  be  frightened !  I  don’t 
know  whether  to  remain  here  or  to  run  to  my  room.  {Sud¬ 
denly  addressing  Palm.)  Tell  me!  (Palm,  jumps  in 
surprise.)  Have  I  not  fulfilled  your  wishes?  Has  any¬ 
thing  happened  to  incur  your  displeasure  ? 

Palm.  {Recovering  from  his  surprise,  and  deciding  to 
take  advantage  of  her  credulity.)  Well,  you  might  have 
given  the  money  to  me,  instead  of  handing  it  over  to  the 
other  fellow. 

Ange.  Why,  my  dear,  you  told  me  to  give  it  to  him! 

Palm.  {Reflecting) .  Did  I?  Then  I  ought  to  be  rep¬ 
rimanded  for  my  carelessness. 

Ange.  Well,  if  you  do  not  approve  of  the  plan,  I  shall  at 
once  ask  him  to  return  the  amount. 

Palm.  No,  no !  You  musn’t !  He’d  get  next  to  me  in 
a  minute ! 

Ange.  Get  next f  I  do  not  comprehend ! 

Palm.  He’d  be  wise  to  my  first  move. 

Ange.  Please  stop  talking  in  enigmas,  Augustus,  and  ex¬ 
plain  yourself. 

Palm.  {Aside).  The  make-up  “stands  pat.”  She  thinks 
Pm  her  “dear  Augustus”  all  right.  {To  Ange.)  Why,  if 
you  tried  to  get  him  to  give  that  money  back,  he’d  be  “on 
to  me  with  both  feet”  in  a  minute. 

Ange.  Well,  I’d  like  to  catch  anybody  putting  his  feet  on 
you !  I’d  have  him  arrested !  Oh,  Augustus,  dear,  don’t  look 
so  sad !  You  remind  me  of  the  time  you  drank  a  bottle  of 
bluing  by  mistake,  and  thought  you  were  poisoned.  Do 
you  remember  it  ? 


28 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Palm.  (Aside).  Do  I  remember  drinking  a  bottle  of 
bluing  by  mistake?  That’s  a  good  joke.  (To  Ange.) 
Oh,  yes,  I  remember  drinking  the  bluing  all  right.  That’s 
what  makes  me  so  green  to-day. 

Ange.  And — oh,  say — (Laughing.)  Do  you  remember 
when  you  were  courting  me,  and  we  were  strolling  along 
the  country  road,  and  we  sat  down  to  rest  on  a  rock,  and 
there  was  a  bumblebee’s  nest  under  the  rock — and  you 
tipped  it  when  you  sat  down — and  disturbed  the  bumble¬ 
bees,  and  one  of  them  flew  at  you - 

Palm.  (Imitating  her  tone  of  voice).  And  the  little 
beelet  stung  me  on  my  little  noselet? 

Ange.  (Laughing) .  No,  no — don’t  you  remember?  You 
jumped  up  and  screamed  and  ran  off  down  the  road  as  if 
your  very  life  depended  upon  it,  and  I  stayed  there  and 
killed  all  the  bees  and  finally  coaxed  you  to  come  back  and 
help  me  eat  the  honey? 

Palm.  Oh,  yes.  And  we  had  bumblebee  honey  and 
hot  biscuits  for  lunch. 

Ange.  (Laughing) .  Pm  afraid  you  don’t  like  to  recall 
that  occasion.  But  do  you  remember  how  romantic  you 
used  to  get  in  those  days?  And  the  poetry  you  used  to 
write?  Won’t  you  recite  some  of  it  for  me  now?  Oh, 
please  do.  *  * 

Palm.  (Caught).  I  fear  I  have  forgotten  it. 

Ange.  Oh,  pshaw!  You  must  recall  some  of  it.  Why, 
you  even  composed  a  verse  while  we  were  eating  the  honey. 

Palm.  (Reflecting).  Oh,  yes.  So  T did. 

Ange.  You  couldn’t  have  forgotten  that. 

Palm.  (Aside).  Now  Pm  in  for  it!  What  the  devil 
shall  I  recite?  (Clearing  his  throat  to  gain  time.)  Ahem! 
Ahem ! 

Ange,  I  thought  you  would  remember  that. 

Palm.  (Clearing  his  throat).  Ahem!  (Aside.)  Pll 
have  to  make  a  bluff  at  it,  so  here  goes.  (Recites — inter¬ 
spersing  the  lines  with  ridiculous  gestures.) 

A  maddened  bull,  of  the  genus  “cow,”  down  the  road  was 
rushing. 

Within  his  view,  by  the  roadside,  stood  two  summer  lovers 
gushing. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


29 


The  maiden’s  red  shawl  attracted  the  gaze  of  this  “bull  of 
the  genus  cow,” 

A  rush  and  a  scream  and  the  gentle  maid  is  above  with  the 
angels  now. 

Ange.  (Surprised) .  Oh,  Augustus,  how  could  you? 
Fly.  (Sticking  his  head  out  of  door  marked  “ Captain .”) 
Yes,  Augustus,  how  could  you? 

Ange.  (Perceiving  Fly).  Oh,  the  Captain!  What 
will  he  think  of  me?  (Exit  quickly  door  L.  C.) 

Enter  Fly,  door  marked  “Captain.” 

Fly.  (Coming  out  and  locking  the  door  after  him.  He 
is  dressed  in  the  Captain’s  uniform.  Addressing  Palm., 
haughtily) .  Come,  come,  what  means  this  diversification? 

Palm.  Well,  you  see,  Captain,  it’s  like  this - 

Fly.  Back !  Back !  How  many  times  have  I  got  to 
tell  you  that  you  must  stay  in  your  cage  ? 

Palm.  (Inspecting  Fly).  Well,  if  it  isn’t  Flybynight! 
All  dressed  up  in  the  Captain’s  clothes ! 

Fly.  No  !  Not  in  the  Captain’s  clothes  !  These  are  my 
clothes !  I  am  now  the  commander  of  this  ship,  and  I’ll  tell 
you  right  now  that  you  want  to  cut  out  this  gag  of  edging 
k  up  to  that  wealthy  widow,  or  I’ll  fire  you  out. 

Palm.  You  seem  to  forget  that  I  am  the  spirit  of  her 
“dear  departed  Augustus.” 

Fly.  I’ll  make  you  forget  you’re  alive  if  you  don’t - 

Stay!  Here  comes  the  last  sad  remnants  of  the  San  Fran¬ 
cisco  law  and  order  brigade. 

Enter  Dep.  Sher.,  door  L. 

Dep.  Spier.  (Aside).  He  has  escaped  me  again.  But 
let  him  show  his  face  on  deck,  and  I’ll  be  there!  (To  Fly.) 
Good  morrow,  Captain. 

Fly.  (Handing  a  coin  to  Dep.  Sher.)  Ah,  my  good 
man,  take  it!  ’Tis  all  the  small  change  I  have  about  me. 
(To  Palm.)  Come,  let  us  go  up  on  deck  and  enjoy  the 
beautiful  scenery.  (Exit  with  Palm.,  door  L.) 

Dep.  Sher.  He  must  have  taken  me  for  a  beggar. 
(Looking  at  coin.)  It’s  only  a  cent,  anyhow.  Take  your 
miserable  cent!  I  don’t  need  your  pennies!  (Throw's  the 


30 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


coin  aftet  Fly.  and  Palm.)  feAh!  Now  I  can  follow  the 
(s)cent!  {Exit,  door  L.) 

Enter  Ethel,  door  R . 

Ethel.  There  is  a  handsome  young  man  up  on  the  deck, 
whom  I  am  almost  certain  is  Mons.  Juve  Nile,  of  the  fa¬ 
mous  “Flybynight  Company.”  I  have  been  just  dying  to 
meet  him.  What  a  pity  there  is  no  mutual  friend  here  to 
introduce  us. 

Enter  Juve;,  door  R. 

Juve.  (Aside).  I  have  been  trying  all  the  evening  to 
recollect  where  I  have  seen  that  beautiful  young  lady  I  met 
up  on  deck,  and  now  it  has  suddenly  dawned  upon  me  that 
she  is  the  one  who  used  to  occupy  the  left  lower  box  at 
nearly  every  performance. 

Ethel  (Aside).  I  shall  ask  Prof.  Fakemup  to  intro¬ 
duce  us. 

Juve.  (Perceiving  Ethel.)  Why,  there  she  is  now. 
I’ll  make  a  break  if  I  hang  for  it.  (Goes  to  Ethel  and  tips 

his  hat.)  I  beg  your  pardon,  I - (Ethel  gasses  at  him  in 

astonishment.)  Excuse  me!  (He  suddenly  walks  up  L. 
as  if  he  had  merely  been  promenading.) 

Ethel  (Aside).  That’s  him  now.  I  wonder  what  he’s 
trying  to  do  ? 

Juve.  (Aside).  I’ll  not  give  her  up  so  easily  as  all  that. 
Here’s  another  scheme.  (Takes  notebook  and  pencil  from 
pocket.  Writes  fn  note  book,  and  going  to  Ethel  hands 
the  book  and  pencil  to  her.)  Pardon  me.  I  believe  you 
dropped  this. 

Ethel.  (Taking  notebook  and  pencil).  Oh,  thank  you. 
Perhaps  I  did.  (Reads  from  note  book.)  “Scene:  Grand 
Opera  House — beautiful  girl  in  left  lower  box.”  (Ethel 
writes  in  note  book  and  hands  it  arid  the  pencil  to  Juve.) 

Juve  (Taking  note  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “Hand¬ 
some  young  man  on  stage — gazing  at  young  lady  in  box.” 
(Aside.)  She  is  the  same  party,  all  right. 

Ethel  (Cautiously) .  Ahem. 

Juve  (Aside).  I  wish  I  could  think  of  something  to 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


31 


say.  Ah!  I  have  it!  I’ll  write  it!  ( Writes  in  note  book 
and  hands  it  and  the  pencil  to  Ethel.) 

Ethel  ( Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “Young  man 
on  stage  thought  young  lady  in  box  the  most  divine  creature 
he  had  ever  beheld.  ( Writes  in  book  and  hands  back  to 
Juve.) 

Juve  ( Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “Young  lady 
thought  young  man  perfectly  adorable.”  (Writes  in  book 
and  hands  to  Ethel.) 

Ethel  ( Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “Young  man 
is  just  dying  to  become  acquainted  with  young  lady.” 
(Writes  in  book  and  hands  to  Juve.) 

Juve  (Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “Young  lady 
thinks  getting  acquainted  preferable  to  young  man  dying.” 
(Writes  in  book  and  hands  to  Ethel.) 

Ethel  (Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “My  name 
is  Mons.  Juve  Nile.”  (Writes  in  book  and  hands  to  Juve.) 

Juve  (Taking  book  and  pencil,  reads).  “My  name  is 
Ethel  Goodwin.”  (To  Ethel.)  Delighted  to  know  you, 
Miss  Goodwin. 

Ethel.  No  more  than  I  am  to  know  you,  Mons.  Juve 
Nile. 

Enter  Wanto,  and  Ahi.,  door  L. 

Wanto.  Oh,  look  at  Juve  Nile  making  a  mash. 

Ahi.  I  wonder  if  he  never  thinks  of  anything  else  ? 

Wanto.  Hello,  Juve!  Give  us  an  intro  to  your  girl. 

Ahi.  .(To  Juve).  What  did  you  do?  Give  her  the 
gag  that  you’d  get  her  a  posish  in  the  company  ? 

Ethel  (To  Juve).  Why,  what  do  they  mean? 

Juve  (Turning  his  back  on  Wanto.  and  Ahi.).  Oh, 
never  mind  them.  They  don’t  know  what  they’re  talking 
about. 

Wanto.  Oh,  we  don’t,  eh  ? 

Ahi.  (To  Wanto).  Never  mind,  Wanto  dear,  just 
wait  until  Juve  Nile  comes  around  again  to  borrow  the 
money  to  get  his  laundry  with,  and  then  we  may  remind 
him  that  we  are  not  worth  talking  to. 

Wanto.  Yes.  (Laughing.)  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Don't  for¬ 
get,  Juve,  that  from:  now  on,  Flybynight  has  promised  us 


32 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


that  we  shall  occupy  the  star  dressing  rooms,  didn’t  he, 
Ahi,  dear? 

Ahi.  Yes,  my  dear.  (To  Juve.)  Ta,  ta,  Juve  Nile. 

Wanto  (To  Ethel).  Ta,  ta,  little  girl. 

Ahi.  Ta,  ta.  Ta,  ta.  (Exeunt  door  R.,  laughing.) 

Ethel.  The  horrid  things!  What  right  have  they  to 
talk  that  way  to  you? 

Juve.  No  right  at  all.  They  just  do  it,  that’s  all.  But 
as  we  were  about  to  say - 

Enter  Dep.  Sher ./door  L.  • 

Dep.  Sher.  Say!  Have  you  seen  anything  of  that  mis¬ 
erable,  sneaky,  board-j umping  cuss  called  “Flybynight  ?” 

Juve.  No.  What’s  the  matter? 

Dep.  Sher.  Matter f  Matter  enough !  Didn’t  I  come 
aboard  this  ship  for  the  express  purpose  of  nailin’  him — 
and  hain’t  he  disappeared  off’n  the  face  of  the  earth  com¬ 
pletely?  Mean  skunk!  To  drop  out  of  sight  when  I 
wanted  him  so  badly!  But  you  just  wait  till  he  shows  up 
again!  You  can  bet  that  I’ll  be  there  on  both  feet,  and  if 
I  ever  lay  my  hands  on  him,  I’ll  never  let  go;  till  the  cows 
come  home.  See?  (Exit,  door  R.) 

Ethel.  Who  is  that  man?  Mercy!  How  he  fright¬ 
ened  me ! 

Juve.  Oh,  he’s  only  a  deputy  sheriff.  You  generally 
find  one  of  them  wherever  you  come  across  a  show. 

Ethel.  You  do? 

Juve.  Why,  to  be  sure.  A  show  wouldn’t  look  natural 
without  two  or  three  deputy  sheriffs  hanging  around. 

Ethel.  Oh,  how  funny. 

Juve.  Well,  when  you’ve  had  as  much  experience  with 
them  as  I  have,  youTl  think  it  anything  but  funny. 

Enter  Settle,,  door  L. 

Settle  (Seasick).  Oh,  why  was  I  ever  fool  enough  to 
come  aboard  this  steamer?  Oh!  If  I  only  live  to  get  to 
land,  I’ll  never  attempt  it  again !  (Perceives  Ethel  and 
Juve.)  Well,  upon  my  soul!  What  is  all  this  going  on? 

Ethel.  Oh,  Mr.  Settle,  you  look  sick.  You’d  better  go 
to  your  stateroom. 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


33 


Settle.  Ethel,  how  could  you  so  far  forget  yourself  as 
to  remain  here  talking  to  one  of  those  show-actors  ? 

Ethel.  Oh,  Mr.  Settle,  I  must  introduce  you,  and  let 
you  perceive  how  mistaken  you  are. 

Settle  ( Ignoring  the  remark).  And  as  for  you,  sir 
( To  Juvel),  permit  me  to  state  that  it  will  never  do — never 
do  at  all. 

Juve.  And  permit  me  to  state  that  I  am  an  American 
gentleman,  minding  my  own  business,  and  must  insist  upon 
you  doing  the  same. 

Settle.  What’s  this  ?  I  must  put  a  stop  to  this  at  once ! 
I’ll  have  you  understand,  sir,  that  I  am — I  am — oh,  I’m  so 
sick!  Excuse  me.  I’ll  be  back  in  a  minute.  ( Going  L.) 
Yes,  sir,  I’ll  surely  be  back  in  a  minute.  ( Starts  to  exit,  L., 
but  a  sudden  movement  of  the  ship  is  supposed  to  t  hr  ova 
him  off  his  feet,  and  he  falls  back  on  the  floor.)  As  I  said, 
I’ll  be  back  in  a  minute.  (Rising.)  Oh,  how  sick  I  am! 
But  I’ll  be  back  in  a  minute!  ( Starts  to  exit  door,  L.,  but 
shifts  unsteadily.)  I — I’m  so  sick!  ( Tumbles  out  door 
L.) 

Juve  (Laughing) .  Oh,  yes,  he’ll  “be  back  in  a  minute,” 

all  right. 

Ethel.  He’ll  be  on  his  back,  you  mean. 

Juve.  It’s  a  shame  to  be  so  interrupted  the  first  time  we 
meet ! 

Ethel.  That’s  what  I  say. 

Juve.  And  I  have  been  so  anxious  to  meet  you. 

Ethel.  But  now  that  we  know  each  other,  we’re  not 
going  to  be  strangers  any  more,  are  we? 

Juve  (Putting  his  arm  around  her  and  kissing  her). 
Well,  not  if  I  can  help  it. 

A  love  song  or  duet  can  be  introduced  if  desired. 

Enter  Fly.,  door  L. 

Fly.  Juve  Nile!  I’m  astonished!  How  many  times 
have  I  got  to  tell  you  that  you  must  not  mash  ? 

Ethel.  Sir!  How  dare  you? 

Fly.  Excuse  me — beg  your  pardon — I  meant  to  say  flirt. 
Which,  however,  does  not  in  the  least  mitigate  the  enormity 


34 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


of  the  crime.  But  as  this  is  your  first  offense,  I’ll  let  you 
off  easily,  and  only  fine  you  one  week’s  salary.  But  re¬ 
member,  hereafter  when  you  are  tempted,  send  for  your 
CJncle  Dudley — otherwise  me — Flybynight.  When  it  comes 
to  flirtation,  I  am  the  original  Cuckoo-bird,  and  whenever 
there  is  anything  doing  in  that  line,  nobody  can  attend  to  the 
affair  with  more  alacrity,  delicacy  and  precision  than  yours 
truly.  ( Attempts  to  embrace  Ethel.) 

Ethel  (Dodging  him) .  Sir!  Your  conduct  is  shame¬ 
ful  ! 

Juve.  Yes,  sir,  your  conduct  is  most  abominable! 

Fly.  What’s  this?  Mutiny  in  the  camp?  Well,  Juve 
Nile,  I  see  I’ll  have  to  discipline  you.  I’m  afraid  you’ll  have 
very  little  salary  coming  to  you  when  you  pay  the  many  fines 
I  shall  consider  it  my  duty  to  impose  upon  you. 

Juve.  Oh,  pshaw!  I  never  get  any  salary  anyhow,  so 
what’s  the  difference? 

Fly.  What’s  this  I  hear? 

Juve.  That  is  what  I  said,  and  I’ve  made  up  my  mind 
to  have  nothing  more  to  do  with  you  unless  you  pay  me  at 
least  five  dollars  immediately. 

Fly.  Five  dollars f  Advance  you  five  dollars?  Well, 
that  is  certainly  the  most  unheard  of  proposition  imaginable ! 
Why,  haven’t  I  allowed  you  to  travel  around  the  country 
with  my  celebrated  company  ?  Haven’t  I  permitted  you  to 
view  the  beautiful  scenery?  Haven’t  I  provided  you  with 
three  square  meals  a  day?  (When  there  was  any  in  sight.) 
And  pray,  what  do  I  get  for  all  this  indulgence?  You  not 
only  disregard  my  rules  and  force  your  attentions  upon  this 
unsophisticated  maiden,  but  you  demand  five  dollars  in  hard, 
cold  cash!  Why,  man,  you’re  a  hog!  Have  a  cigarette! 
( Offers  a  bag  of  tobacco ,  arid  the  paper  to  roll  a  cigarette 
to  Juve.) 

Juve.  That  settles  it!  (Refusing.)  You  just  get  an¬ 
other  juvenile  man.  I’m  done! 

Fly.  Oh,  Juve  Nile,  do  not  speak  thusly!  I  admit  I 
may  have  beeft  hasty,  but  reflect — I  have  introduced  you  to 
an  admiring  public !  I  have  been  sponsor  for  your  success ! 
I  have  made  you  a  part  and  parcel  of  my  company,  and 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


35 


now,  without  you  the  company  cannot  exist.  See!  Juve  Nile, 
united  we  stand !  Divided  we  fall !  ( Loud  noise  heard  off 

L.)  What  was  that?  An  earthquake? 

Ethel  ( Looking  out  door  of  Ange’s  stateroom) .  No, 
that  was  only  mamma  falling  out  of  bed. 

Enter  Ange.,  door  of  stateroom ,  L.  C. 

Ange.  What  is  all  this  noise  about? 

Fly.  ( Taking  her  hand).  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs.  Goodwin, 
it  was  merely  a  threatened  rupture  in  my  famous  company, 
but  fortunately  the  disaster  has  been  most  happily  averted. 

A  quartette  may  he  introduced  if  desired. 

Enter  Sec.  Off.  hastily ,  door  L.,  followed  by  Palm. 

Hurry  music,  pp. 

Sec.  Off.  ( Excitedly  to  Fly.,  whom  he  mistakes  for  the 
Captain).  Land  ho,  sir!  Reefs  in  sight!  We’re  liable 
to  be  wrecked  any  moment,  sir ! 

Fly.  Wrecked?  Oh,  no,  don’t  do  it! 

Sec.  Off.  What  are  your  orders,  sir? 

Fly.  I  shall  take  personal  command  of  the  ship,  at  once ! 

Sec.  Off.  Aye,  aye,  sir.  ( Exit  door,  L.) 

Palm.  Then  I  want  to  get  out  and  walk. 

Fly.  (Calls).  All  hands  on  deck!  (A  hand  is  ex¬ 
tended  from  each  door  and  entrance  and  shaken  at  Fly. 
He  calls.)  All  hands  off  the  deck!  (All  hands  are  with¬ 
drawn,  He  calls.)  Let  out  the  sail!  (A  sign  reading 
“For  Sale"  is  extended  from  door  L.  He  calls.)  Take 
in  the  sheet!  (A  bed  sheet  is  thrown  out,  door  C.,  then 
drawn  off.)  Weigh  the  anchor.  (Palm,  weighs  a  toy  an¬ 
chor  in  a  small  pair  of  scales.) 

Enter  Sec.  Off.,  door  L. 

Sec.  Off.  To  the  boats  !  To  the  boats !  It’s  your  only 
chance  to  escape!  (Terrific  crash  is  heard.) 

Fly.  We  have  struck  the  rocks ! 

Sec.  Off.  The  boat  is  sinking ! 

All  (Scrambling  for  exits) .  Help!  Help! 

Loud  Hurry  Music. 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


36 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


ACT  III. 

Scene. — Exterior.  Landscape  backing.  Wood  wings  R. 
and  L.  See  Scene  Plot  for  stage  settings. 

Loud ,  mysterious  native  music  until  throne  seated. 

Discovered. — Natives,  lined  up  R.  and  L.,  awaiting  the 

entrance  of  their  king. 

Enter  King  Fuclos,  L.  U.  E.}  seated  on  a  rude  throne, 

borne  by  natives. 

Natives  ( Cheer  the  King  arid  call  in  unison).  Hail! 
Hail  to  the  King!  Long  live  the  king!  ( Native  throne- 
bearers  seat  the  throne  U.  C.) 

King.  My  greeting  to  the  faithful. 

Big-Fite  ( Addressing  the  King).  Oh  mighty  ruler  of 
the  sun,  moon  and  stars!  ( All  salaam  to  the  King.)  After 
a  war  of  many  moons’  duration  with  our  former  friends  the 
Wee  Gees,  we  have  at  last  conquered  the  enemy.  Our  su¬ 
premacy  in  the  Fu  Fu  Islands  is  now  undisputed,  and  to 
perpetuate  your  majesty’s  complete  mastery  over  them,  they 
will  this  day  present  to  your  supreme  highness  a  statue  of 
the  God  of  Peace.  (Salaam.) 

King.  Let  the  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace  be  brought 
before  me. 

Big.  Oh,  mighty  ruler,  it  shall  be  as  you  command ! 
( Salaam  to  King  arid  exit  backward,  R.  U.  E.,  bozinng  low 
at  each  few  steps.) 

Natives  ( All  salaam  and  shout).  Hail  to  the  King! 
Long  live  the  King! 

Enter  Wee  Gee  Natives,  bearing  one  of  their  number, 
noticeably  arranged  to  represent  a  statue.  Others  follow, 
bearing  a  pedestal,  which  they  place  down  L.,  and  stand 
the  supposed  statue  on  it. 

First  Wee  Gee  (To  Statue,  aside).  Now,  remember! 
To  move  is  to  die !  You  are  a  statue !  You  are  marble ! 
You  have  no  heart — no  soul — no  feeling!  If  you  are  pa¬ 
tient,  you  may  yet  be  released !  If  you  move,  you  surely 
die!  (Scrutinizes  statue,  who  remains  motionless.  First 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


37 


Wee  Gee,  going  to  King,  salaams.)  Oh  King  of  Kings! 
(' Throws  himself  at  the  feet  of  the  King.) 

King.  Arise!  Oh,  courier  of  the  mighty  Wee  Gees! 
What  greeting  bring  you  from  your  chief  ? 

First  Wee  (Arising).  Oh,  mighty  ruler  of  the  universe  ! 
“It  is  for  you  to  command,  and  the  Wee  Gees  to  obey!” 
Thus  saith  our  mighty  chieftain. 

King.  Thy  words  are  as  music  to  my  ears,  oh  Prince  of 
the  Wee  Gees. 

First  Wee.  Hoping  that  your  august  majesty  may  join 
with  the  Wee  Gees  in  rejoicing  that  peace  now  reigns  be¬ 
tween  us,  our  mighty  Chieftain  has  commanded  us  to  bring 
unto  you  and  your  people  and  to  present  to  you  in  his  name 
a  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace,  praying  thus  to  establish  be¬ 
tween  us  a  life  of  eternal  peace ! 

Natives  ( All  salaam  and  call).  Hail  to  the  King! 
Long  live  the  King ! 

Harry  music ,  pp. 

Enter  Native  Courier,  L.  JJ.  E. 

Cour.  ( Salaam  to  King).  Your  majesty - 

King.  Speak  quickly!  What  has  happened? 

Cour.  A  mighty  steamer  has  crashed  upon  the  rocks, 
and  the  passengers,  with  the  aid  of  the  small  boats,  are 
landing  on  our  shores ! 

King.  Seize  them!  Capture  them!  How  dare  they 
thus  intrude  upon  our  sacred  soil?  ( Exit  L.  U.  £.,  followed 
by  all  excepting  the  Statue.) 

Natives  (As  they  exit.)  Long  live  the  King ! 

Enter  Dep.  Sher.,  R.  2  E. 

Stop  music. 

Dep.  Sher.  During  the  excitement  of  the  wreck,  that 
infernal  Flybynight  has  escaped  me  again !  But  I  shall  find 

him  yet,  and  when  I  do - (Sees  Statue.)  Ah!  That 

may  be  him  now  in  disguise !  It’s  a  mighty  quick  change, 
but  I  know  he  is  equal  to  the  emergency!  (Goes  to 
Statue,  pointing  revolver.)  Hands  up,  you  rascal!  So, 
I’ve  caught  you  at  last,  eh?  And  alone,  too?  (Noting  that 


38 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Statue  remains  motionless — aside.)  He  must  have  be¬ 
come  deaf !  Maybe  he  got  his  ears  full  of  salt  water  in 
reaching  land — I  know  I  did.  ( To  Statue.  )  Come  now  ! 
Don’t  try  to  work  that  deaf  game  on  me !  It  don’t  go,  see  ? 
I’ve  caught  you  this  time  with  the  goods  on!  ( Noticing 
scant  clothing  of  the  Statue.)  No,  I  mean  without  the 
goods  on!  Oh,  how  I’d  like  to  shove  a  knife  in  your  back 
and  cancel  our  future  engagements !  But  that  would  be 
cheating  justice,  which  would  never  do!  Come,  come, 
you’re  wanted  at  San  Francisco  Police  Headquarters  and 
I’ll  never  let  you  out  of  my  sight  again  until  I  get  you 
there,  dead  or  alive!  ( Nudges  Statue.)  Come,  step 
lively  now !  I  want  to  get  down  to  the  beach,  and  watch 
for  a  passing  steamer  to  take  us  back  home.  ( Nudges , 
pinches ,  pushes  and  strikes  Statue,  ad.  lb.  As  Statue 
remains  motionless,  he  straddles  him  on  his  back ,  and  exit, 
R.  2  E .) 

Hurry  mhsic,  pp.,  until  all  on. 

Enter  King  and  Natives,  L.  U.  E.,  leading  as  captives, 

Fly.,  Palm.,  Settle,  Juve,  Ange.,  Ethel,  Wanto  and 

Ahi. 

Ahi.  Well  ain’t  this  the  limit?  ( Shaking  off  Native 
who  is  holding  her.)  Take  your  dirty  paws  off  from  me, 
you  nasty  beast!  ( To  Others.)  Say,  listen!  Let's  all 
start  fighting  at  the  same  time  and  clean  up  the  bunch ! 

Palm.  ( To  Ahi).  Aw,  nix!  Let  up,  will  yer?  You 
only  makes  matters  worse  by  gabbing  so  much. 

Natives  (As  King  ascends  the  throne,  all  salaam  and 
shout).  Long  live  the  King! 

Big.  (To  King).  What  are  your  majesty’s  commands 
in  regards  to  the  prisoners  ? 

First  Wee.  (Salaam).  Oh,  mighty  ruler!  Woe  betide 
your  most  humble  servant !  A  terrible  calamity  has  come 
to  pass !  Someone  has  stolen  the  statute  of  the  God  of 
Peace ! 

King.  (To  Fly.).  Advance!  Oh  evil  one!  (Native 
throws  Fly  in  front  of  King.)  Were  it  merely  your  sin  of 
intrusion,  we  might  allow  you  to  proceed  unmolested  as 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


39 


long  as  you  peacefully  left  our  island,  and  no  longer  de¬ 
filed  it’s  sacred  soil  by  your  hateful  presence !  But,  oh  evil 
one !  None  too  great  can  be  thy  punishment  now  that  we 
have  discovered  your  most  terrible  crime !  Oh  spirit  of 
evil !  You  are  accused  of  having  stolen  the  statue  of  the 
God  of  Peace !  What  have  you  to  say  for  yourself  ? 

Fly.  ( Flippantly ).  What!  Me?  Steal  a  statue  of  the 
God  of  Peace  ?  How  ridiculous !  What  would  I  do  with 
it? 

King.  Dissemble  not,  oh  spirit  of  evil !  The  statue  was 
perceived  by  our  own  eyes  to  repose  on  yon  spot,  but  even 
as  thou  didst  appear,  so  did  the  statue  disappear ! 

Fly.  Oh,  is  that  all?  Well,  that  is  very  easily  ex¬ 
plained.  The  statue  wasn’t  the  real  article.  It  was  work¬ 
ing  under  somebody  else’s  non  de  plume.  In  other  words, 
oh  sage  ruler,  in  the  common  vernacular  of  the  20th  century, 
it  was  a  plain,  every  day,  unvarnished  fake ! 

First  Wee.  {In  a  rage,  to  Fly.)*.  How  dare  you  speak 
thus  of  the  sacred  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace,  which  was  a 
gift  from  our  mighty  Chieftain  to  his  gracious  majesty, 
King  Fuclos,  to  perpetuate  the  reign  of  peace  now  existing 
between  the  two  nations?  {To  King.)  Command  me,  oh 
mighty  ruler,  that  I  may  strike  the  base  reviler  down  at  thy 
feet ! 

Fly.  {To  First  Wee).  Why,  you  bum  imitation  of  a 
World’s  Fair  lithograph,  do  you  know  whom  you  are  ad¬ 
dressing?  {To  King).  Your  majesty,  again  I  must  insist 
that  the  aforementioned  statue  was  a  fake !  I  admit  that  it 
may  have  disappeared  as  I  approached,  but  I  do  not  wonder 
thereat.  In  fact,  I  marvel  that  it  did  not  go  up  in  a  puff  of 
smoke  the  very  minute  my  feet  touched  the  land,  for  it  never 
behooves  a  fake  to  look  the  real  article  in  the  face,  and  I  am 
the  real  article !  Look  !  Behold  !  I,  who  stand  before  you  in  all 
my  regal  splendor !  I  am  the  real  God  of  Peace !  This  is 
my  second  time  on  earth !  Down  at  my  feet,  varlets,  and 
worship  me  as  I  fain  would  have  thee ! 

Palm.  {Aside).  It’s  a  cinch  that  Flybynight  never 
loses  his  nerve ! 

First  Wee.  {To  King.)  Listen  not,  oh  mighty  ruler! 
His  words  are  false ! 


40 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Natives.  No!  No! 

King.  (To  Fly.).  Oh,  spirit  of  evil,  by  thine  own 
words  shalt  thou  be  condemned !  Seize  the  blasphemer ! 
(Natives  seise  Fly.,  et  al.)  Thy  followers  shall  be  given 
an  opportunity  to  repent  their  faith  in  thee,  lest  they  suffer 
the  same  terrible  fate  that  awaits  thee.  Bring  forth  the 
stake!  (Two  Natives  bring  from  L.  2  E.  a  small  pedestal 
in  the  center  of  which  stands  a  pole  or  stake.)  Bind  him 
well!  (Two  Natives  bind  Fly.  and  stand  him  beside  the 
stake.)  Raise  the  axe!  (A  Native  raises  an  axe,  as  if  to 
strike  Fly.)  Now  which  will  you  have,  a  steak  (stake)  or 
a  chop?  (Referring  to  the  axe.  Tzuo  Natives  bind  Fly. 
to  the  stake.) 

Big.  (Going  to  Fly.).  Me  like  you. 

Fly.  Ah !  At  last  I  have  a  friend. 

Big.  Methink  you  make  fine  stew.  (Smacks  his  lips.) 

Fly.  I  object!  I  won’t  play  unless  I  can  be  a  fricassee. 

Settle.  Objection  sustained. 

King.  Away  with  them  to  the  prison !  Let  the  evil  spirit 
remain  at  the  stake. 

Natives  seize  Palm.,  Settle,  Juve,  Ange.,  Ethel,  Wanto 

and  A  hi.,  who  struggle  and  scream  as  they  are  dragged 

off,  L.  U.  E. 

Enter  Dep.  Sher.,  L.  2  E. 

Dep.  Spier.  (Disguised  as  a  native,  executes  a  grotesque 
dance  around  the  stage,  pausing  repeatedly  before  Fly  and 
then  before  King.  All  gaze  at  him  in  amazement.  He 
pauses  down  R.  Aside.).  Aha!  I’ve  found  the.  original 
and  only  Flybynight  at  last.  They  are  about  to  burn  him 
at  the  stake.  That  will  never  do.  I  must  save  his  life ! 
He  belongs  to  me,  and  if  he  is  burned  up  on  this  lone  island 
I  cannot  produce  him  at  San  Francisco  police  headquarters 
and  my  reputation  as  deputy  sheriff  will  be  ruined.  Ah !  An 
idea!  (Smites  his  own  brow  and  repeats  the  dancing,  event¬ 
ually  winding  up  in  front  of  the  King.)  Oh,  King!  Be 
not  alarmed!  You  do  not  know  me,  for  I  am  in  disguise! 
Behold !  I  am  the  courier  of  the  Great  White  Spirit  who 
rules  over  all !  He  has  sent  me  to  demand  that  you  deliver 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


41 


yon  evil  spirit  ( Indicating  Fly.)  to  me  that  I  may  conduct 
him  before  the  Supreme  Tribunal  of  Justice  in  order  that 
he  may  be  tried  and  punished  for  far  greater  sins ! 

Fly.  {Aside).  “Out  of  the  frying  pan  into  the  fire!” 

King.  (To  Dep.  Sher.).  Oh,  courier  of  the  Great 
White  Spirit,  thou  art  thrice  welcome  to  our  presence,  and 
I  would  most  graciously  grant  thy  request  for  the  deliver¬ 
ance  of  yon  evil  spirit  into  thy  power,  but  first  I  must  insist 
that  the  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace,  which  disappeared 
through  his  evil  machinations,  shall  be  restored  to  us,  that 
we  may  cement  our  friendship  with  the  mighty  Wee  Gees. 
( All  salaam  to.  the  King.) 

Dep.  Slier.  Oh,  mighty  King,  thou  speakest  well,  and 
I  fain  would  inform  thee  that  yon  evil  spirit  didst  change 
the  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace  into  mortal  shape,  being 
none  other  than  a  certain  long-haired,  disreputable,  seedy 
looking  individual  you  may  have  noticed  .with  the  captives 
just  conducted  to  the  prison.  I  would  suggest  that  he  be 
brought  hither,  whereupon  I  will  compel  yon  evil  spirit  to 
restore  him  unto  you  as  the  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace. 

King.  Thou  speakest  well.  Let  the  long-haired  indi¬ 
vidual  be  brought  hither.  (Exit  two  Natives,  L.  U.  E.) 

Dep.  Sher.  (Aside  to  Fly.).  You  see  what  I  am  doing. 
I  will  save  your  life  only  on  the  condition  that  you  return 
to  San  Francisco  with  me  as  my  prisoner. 

Fly.  Well,  excuse  me!  Don’t  do  it!  Pll  take  my  chances 
on  being  roasted  by  these  savages!  You  know,  as  an  actor 
Eve  been  roasted  so  often  by  the  newspapers  that  it’s  no 
novelty. 

Dep.  Sher.  (Aside  to  Fly.).  Hush!  Here  he  is! 

Enter  Natives,  leading  Palm.,  who  still  clings  to  his 

makeup  box. 

Palm.  (Shaking  from  fright.)  Don’t  burn  me!  I  didn’t 
i  do  nothin’!  And  anyhow,  Pll  swear  I’m  too  tough  to  eat! 
ri  Why  don’t  you  tackle  one  of  the  younger  ones?  They’re 
/  more  tender. 

Dep.  Siler.  (To  King).  Now,  if  your  majesty  will 
order  the  prisoner  released — 


42 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


King.  Unbind  him!  {Tzvo  Natives  release  Fly.) 

Dep.  Sher.  Now,  your  majesty,  what  is  about  to  occur 
no  mortal  eye  dare  look  upon.  Therefore,  let  all  eyes  be 
closed!  ( The  Natives  all  turn  their  hacks  and  the  King 
bozvs  his  head  in  his  hand.  To  Fly.)  Oh,  spirit  of  evil, 
I  command  thee  to.  restore  the  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace ! 
{Aside  to  Fly.)  You  know  what  to  do.  Hurry  up,  now. 

Fly.  Me!  Out!  ( Starts  L.) 

Dep.  Sher.  {Pointing  revolver  at  Fly.)  Stop! 

Fly.  {Returning.)  All  right.  You’re  it! 

Dep.  Siier.  Now,  be  quick.  {They  grab  Palm.,  and 
place  him  on  the  pedestal,  and  by  turning  his  coat  inside  out 
and  otherwise  changing  his  wearing  apparel,  and  making  up 
his  face  with  the  aid  of  the  makeup  box,  Fly  converts  Palm. 
into  a  very  disreputable  looking  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace. 
To  King.)  Behold!  The  statue  of  the  God  of  Peace! 
{The  Natives  flock  around  Palm.,  and  gage  at  him  in  open - 
mouthed  wonder.) 

King.  {Descending  from  his  throne,  comes  dozm  and 
examines  Palm.)  Very  good.  {Punches  Palm.,  who 
moves  slightly.)  He  still  moves  some.  {Business  of  King 
punching,  pinching  and  jabbing  Palm,  with  the  point  of  a 
knife,  etc.,  ad  lib.  Palm.,  comedy  business  of  trying  to  re¬ 
main  passive  during  the  torture.) 

Fly.  {To  King.)  How  do  you  like  it,  eh? 

King.  It  is  well.  You  are  my  great  and  good  friend, 
and  to  show  you  how  I  love  you,  you  shall  be  the  first  to 
join  me  in  drinking  the  finest  wine  ever  prepared.  Bring 
forth  the  wine!  {Exit  tzvo  Natives,  L.  U.  E.) 

Fly.  {Aside.)  Now  for  the  poisoned  wine  gag.  {To 
King.)  Where  did  you  get  it? 

King.  It  was  prepared  by  a  lone  missionary,  who  came 
to  save  our  souls.  His  breast,  stewed,  was  the  finest  dish  I 
ever  ate. 

Fly.  {Aside.)  I  wonder  what  he’ll  say  when  he  eats 
me  ? 

Enter  tzvo  Natives  L.  U.  E.,  each  bearing  a  small  gourd 
zvhich  they  hand  to  the  King  and  exit,  L.  U.  E. 

King.  {Handing  a  gourd  to  Fly.)  Drink,  friend, 


I1IS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTEI. 


43 


drink !  ( Drinks  from  his  gourd  and  smacks  his  lips .  Palm. 

reaches  over  and  grabs  the  gourd  from  Fly's  hand.  Dep. 
Sher.  grabs  it  from  Palm,  and  the  King  grabs  it  from 
Dep.  Sher.  and  drinks  the  contents .) 

Enter  tzvo  Natives,  L.  U.  each  handing  the  King 
another  gourd ,  taking  the  empty  ones ,  and  exit,  L.  U.  E. 

King.  ( Hands  a  gourd  to  Fly.,  and  the  same  business  is 
repeated,  resulting  in  the  King  drinking  both  again.) 

Enter  tzvo  Natives,  L.  U.  E.,  each  handing  a  gourd  to  the 
King,  taking  the  empty  ones  and  salaam. 

King.  ( Hands  a  gourd  to  Fly.,  who  retains  it  and  is 
about  to  drink,  but  is  delayed  by  Palm,  trying  to  secure  it. 
King  drinks  and  becomes  intoxicated.)  Fine  missionary! 
We  eat  him  all !  All  except  piece  of  his  coat.  {Shows  Fly. 
a  piece  of  cloth.) 

Fly.  {Grabbing  the  cloth.)  Why,  it’s  a  piece  of  my 
coat  which  I  exchanged  with  Fakemup.  He  gave  it  to  a 
poor  missionary.  The  missionary  was  eaten  by  his  serene 
highness  yonder,  and  the  paper —  {To  King.)  Where  is 
the  paper  that  was  in  this  coat? 

King.  The  paper  tell  him  how  to  make  the  wine. 

Fly.  Why,  man  alive !  That  isn’t  wine !  You’ve  been 
drinking  embalming  fluid !  In  ten  minutes  you’ll  be  a 
mummy  and  by  this  afternoon  you’ll  be  petrified  as  solid  as 
any  King  of  Egypt  ever  hoped  to  be! 

King.  {Gasping  for  breath.)  Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  {Falls 
back  and  is  caught  in  the  arms  of  Natives.) 

Natives.  The  King!  The  King! 

Fly.  Never  mind  about  him  !  I’m  your  King  now  ! 

Natives.  You? 

Fly.  Sure !  You  don’t  know  what  a  good  fellow  I  can 
be  when  Pm  a  King.  I’ll  allow  you  all  free  beer,  free  lunch, 
free  tobacco,  free  bathing  and,  in  fact,  everything  free  that 
ivou’ll  provide  me  the  money  to  pay  for.  And  if  you’re  real 
{good,  I’ll  treat  you  all  to  a  new  dish  called  “Deputy  Sheriff 
'/Soup.” 

/  Dep.  Sher.  {Startled  at  Fly's  sudden  supremacy,  ad - 


44 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


* 


dresses  the  Natives.)  Do  not  heed  him!  He  is  an  impostor! 

An  evil  spirit ! 

Fly.  Impostor,  eh?  Watch  and  see  me  turn  a  statue  into 
a  living  man.  (To  Palm.,  waving  his  hands,  etc.,  as  if  per¬ 
forming  a  'miracle.)  Come  to  life!  Come  out  of  it.  (Pulls 
Palm,  down  from  pedestal.)  Hurry  up  and  help  me. 
(Palm,  and  Fly.  raise  the  King  and  place  him  on  the  pedes¬ 
tal.)  See!  There  is  the  statue.!  (Points  to  King.)  And 
there  is  what  was  the  statue!  (Points  to  Palm.  Natives 
all  examine  King  and  Palm.)  Now,  who  is  your  King? 
(Runs  to  throne  and  seats  himself.)  Salute  your  new  King ! 

Same  music  as  at  opening  of  act,  until  Fly.  exit. 

Natives.  All  hail  the  King!  Long  live  the  King! 
(They  raise  the  throne  and  hear  Fly  off,  L.  U.  E..) 

Fly.  (Waving  his  hand  at  Palm,  and  Dep.  Slier.) 
Tata!  Tata!  See  you  later!  Tata!  (Exeunt  Natives 
after  Fly.  Palm,  suddenly  starts  as  if  coming  out  of  a 
trance  and  runs  off ,  R  2  E.) 

Dep.  Sher.  Foiled  again!  Now  my  reputation  as  a 
deputy  sheriff  has  all  gone  up  in  smoke!  It’s  a  cinch  that 
I  can’t  arrest  a  King  on  his  own  throne!  Especially  a  real  * 
live  King  like  Flybynight !  Ah!  (Striking  himself  on  the 
breast.)  An  idea  strikes  me!  If  I  cannot  arrest  a  live 
King,  I  can  arrest  a  dead  one,  and  if  my  reputation  as  a 
deputy  sheriff  is  ruined,  I  can  still  make  a  good  living  by 
exhibiting  the  petrified  remains  of  the  former  King  Fuclos 
in  the  dime  museums  of  the  leading  cities  only  for  price. 
This  way  for  the  mummy !  (Addressing  the  King.)  Come 
on,  mum,  old  boy,  hereafter  me  ’n  you  ’s  chums!  (Shoul¬ 
ders  the  body  of  the  King  and  exit,  L.  2  E.) 

Enter  Juve,  Ange  and  Ethel,  L.  U.  E. 

Juve.  (Addressing  Ange.)  Mrs.  Goodwin,  your  daugh¬ 
ter  and  I  have  for  some  time  perceived  a  mutual  attraction 
for  each  other,  and  now  that  you  are  in  a  position  to  require 
masculine  protection,  I  beg  to  be  allowed  to  look  out  foM 
your  combined  interests  by  the  right  of  a  husband  and  sor®** 
in-law.  %  I 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


45 


Ange.  Ethel,  why  have  you  not  spoken  to  me  of  this 
attachment  ? 

Ethel.  Well,  mamma,  I  really  wasn’t  sure  that  it  existed 
until  last  evening,  and  shortly  afterward  we  were  wrecked, 
and — 

Ange.  But,  my  child,  are  you  sure  that  you  love  him  ? 

Ethel.  As  sure  as  one  can  be  of  anything. 

Ange.  But  has  he  any  visible  means  of  supporting  you 
in  the  manner  to  which  you  have  been  accustomed? 

Ethel.  No,  but  he  has  elegant  prospects.  Haven’t  you, 
Juve? 

Juve.  I  will  have,  if  your  mamma  says  “Yes.” 

Ange.  Very  well,  if  you  are  sure  that  you  love  each 
other,  I  see  no  objection.  I  have  always  believed  that  “first 
love  is  best.”  Now,  when  my  dear  departed  Augustus — 

Ethel.  Oh,  Juve,  let’s  go  and  find  your  manager,  and 
if  he  is  still  King,  he  must  make  you  his  Prime  Minister, 
or — - 

Juve.  Or,  better  still,  his  Consul  General  to  the  United 
States. 

Ethel.  With  headquarters  at  San  Francisco — 

Juve.  And  immediate  transportation  furnished  for  two. 
(Exit  n'ith  Ethel,  L.  U.  E.,  laughing.) 

Ange.  If  he  only  makes  her  as  good  a  husband  as  my 
dear  departed  Augustus — 

Enter  Settle  and  Wanto,  R.  2  E. 

Settle.  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs.  Goodwin,  I  am  so  glad  to 
find  you  here.  You  may  remember  my  mourning  the  loss 
of  a  daughter  who  was  stolen  from  me  in  her  early  child¬ 
hood,  and  your  surprise  will  no  doubt  nearly  equal  mine 
when  you  learn  that  at  last  I  have  found  her,  safe  and  sound. 
Mrs.  Goodwin,  permit  me  to  present  my  daughter  Marie. 
(Presents  Wanto  to  Ange.)  Now,  my  happiness  is  com¬ 
plete,  unless  it  be  my  sorrow  occasioned  from  the  necessity 
of  returning  my  daughter  to  a  motherless  home.  Now,  if  I 
could  prevail  upon  you — 

Wanto.  Say,  listen,  pop;  when  are  we  going  back? 

Settle  (To  Ange.).  As  I  was  saying — 


46 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


Natives  (Outside).  Long  live  the  king! 

Same  music  as  last  until  Fly.  is  seated. 

Enter  Natives,  L.  U.  E.,  bearing  throne,  upon  which  is 
seated  Fly.,  dressed  as  a  native  king,  and  place  him  C. 

First  Wee.  (Salaam  to  Fly.).  Oh,  mighty  ruler 
of  the  universe!  Does  it  please  your  majesty  to  deign  to 
reassure  thy  friends,  the  Wee  Gees,  of  a  desire  to  perpetuate 
the  universal  peace — 

Fly.  You  go  back  and  tell  your  chief  that  from  now  on 
it  is  my  desire  that  we  shall  live  in  peace,  and  when  we  can’t 
live  in  peace  any  longer,  Fll  send  him  a  stick  of  dynamite, 
and  let  him  die  in  pieces. 

Natives.  (All  salaam.)  Long  live  the  king! 

Enter  Juve  and  Ethel  L.  U.  E.  and  hand  in  hand. 

Fly.  Hello!  What’s  this? 

Juve  Oh,  we’re  going  to  be  married,  that’s  all. 

Fly.  Well,  I  should  say  that  was  quite  enough  without 
asking  my  permission.  However,  Fll  forgive  you  this  time. 
(Raising,  his  hands  over  them.)  Bless  you,  my  children. 
(Then  he  calls,  like  a  barber.)  Next! 

Enter  Palm.,  R.  2  E. 

Palm.  (In  deep  reverie,  carries  in  his  hands  a  cocoanut 
shell,  zvhich  has  been  cut  in  two.  He  holds  it  as  if  it  were 
a  skull ,  and  imagines  he  is  again  playing  Hamlet).  “To  be, 
or  not  to  be — that  is  the  question.”  (Drops  the  cocoanut 
shell  and  a  paper  drops  out.) 

Settle  (Picks  up  the  paper  and  reads  the  contents. 
Then,  suddenly,  to  Ange.)  Why,  Mrs.  Goodwin,  this  is 
the  prescription  for  the  embalming  fluid  which  I  sent  you  by 
my  clerk.  (Hands  paper  to  Ange.) 

Ange.  So  it  is.  The  object  of  our  trip  has  been  attained, 
and  now  I  can  secure  the  half-million  dollars. 

Fly.  (Who  has  been  listening  intently,  descends  from 
throne  and  comes  dozen  to  Ange.).  Ah,  my  dear  Mrs. 
Goodwin,  let  me  congratulate  you.  (Takes  her  hand.) 


HIS  SECOND  TIME  ON  EARTH. 


47 


Also,  permit  me  to  suggest — what  is  a  throne  without  a 
queen  ? 

Ange.  Oh,  your  majesty,  this  is  so  sudden.  (Falls  in 
his  arms.) 

Fly.  Well,  it  isn’t  half  as  sudden  as  the  swift  manner 
in  which  I  started  in  on  my  Second  Time  on  Earth. 

Lively  music. 

QUICK  CURTAIN.  • 


Denison's 


Vaudeville  Sketches 

Price,  15  Cents  Each,  Postpaid. 

Nearly  all  of  these  sketches  were  written  for  profes¬ 
sionals  and  have  been  given  with  great  success  Dy  vaude¬ 
ville  artists  of  note.  They  are  essentially  dramatic  and 
very  funny;  up-to-date  comedy.  They  are  not  recom¬ 
mended  for  church  entertainments;  however,  they  con¬ 
tain  nothing  that  will  offend,  and  are  all  within  the 
range  of  amateurs. 

DOINGS  OF  A  DUDE.— Vaudeville  sketch,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  2  m.,  If. 
Time  20  m.  Scene:  Simple  interior.  Maizy  Von  Billion  of  athletic  tenden¬ 
cies  is  expecting  a  boxing  instructor  and  has  procured  Bloody  Mike,  a  prize 
fighter,  to  “  try  him  out.”  Percy  Montmorency,  her  sister’s  ping  pong  teacher, 
is  mistaken  for  the  boxing  instructor  and  has  a  ‘‘trying  out”  that  Is  a  sur¬ 
prise.  A  whirlwind  of  fun  and  action. 

FRESH  TIMOTHY  HAY.— Vaudeville  sketch,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  2  m., 

1  f.  Time  20  m.  Scene:  Simple  rural  exterior.  By  terms  of  a  will,  Rose 
Lark  must  marry  Reed  Bird  or  forfeit  a  legacy.  Rose  and  Reed  have  never 
met  and  when  he  arrives  Timothy  Hay,  a  fresh  farm  hand,  mistakes  him  for 
Pink  Eye  Pete,  a  notorious  thief.  Ludicrous  lines  and  rapid  action. 

GLICKMAN,  THE  GLAZIER.— Vaudeville  sketch,  by  Harry  L.  Newton 
and  A.  S.  Hoffman;  1  m.,  1  f.  Time  25  m.  Scene:  Simple  interior.  Char¬ 
lotte  Russe,  an  actress,  is  scored  by  a  dramatic  paper.  With  “blood  in  her  eye” 
she  seeks  the  critic  at  the  office,  finds  no  one  in  and  smashes  a  window.  Jacob 
Glickman,  a  Hebrew  glazier,  rushes  in  and  is  mistaken  for  the  critic.  Fun, 
jokes,  gags  and  action  follow  with  lightning  rapidity.  A  great  Jew  part. 

THE  GODDESS  OF  LOVE.— Vaudeville  sketch,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  1  m., 

1  f.  Time  15  m.  Scene:  Simple  exterior.  Aphrodite,  a  Greek  goddess,  is  a 
statue  in  the  park.  According  to  tradition  a  gold  ring  placed  upon  her  finger 
will  bring  her  to  life.  Knott  Jones,  a  tramp,  who  had  slept  in  the  park  all 
night,  brings  her  to  life.  A  rare  combination  of  the  beautiful  and  the  best  of 
comedy.  Novel,  easy  to  produce  and  a  great  hit. 

HEY,  RUBEI— Monologue,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  1  m.  Time  15  m.  Reuben 
Spinach  from  Yapton  visits  Chicago  for  the  first  time.  The  way  he  tells  of 
the  sights  and  what  befell  him  would  make  a  sphinx  laugh. 

IS  IT  RAINING?— Vaudeville  sketch,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  1  m.,  1  f. 
Time  10  m.  Otto  Swimorebeer,  a  German,  Susan  Fairweather,  a  friend  of 
his.  This  act  runs  riot  with  fun,  gags,  absurdities  and  comical  lines. 

MARRIAGE  AND  AFTER.— Monologue,  by  Harry  L.  Newton  and  A.  S. 
Hoffman;  1  m.  Time  about  10  m.  A  laugh  every  two  seconds  on  a  subject 
which  appeals  to  all.  Full  of  local  hits. 

ME  AND  MY  DOWN  TRODDEN  SEX.— Old  maid  monologue,  by  Harry  L. 

Newton;  1  f.  Time  5  m.  Polly  has  lived  long  enough  to  gather  a  few  facts 
about  men,  which  are  told  in  the  most  laughable  manner  imaginable. 

AN  OYSTER  STEW.— A  rapid-fire  talking  act,  by  Harry  L.  Newton  and 
A.  S.  Hoffman;  ‘2  m.  Time  10  m.  Dick  Tell,  a  knowing  chap.  Tom  Askit, 
not  so  wise.  This  act  is  filled  to  overflowing  with  lightning  cross-fires, 
pointed  puns  and  hot  retorts. 

PICKLES  FOR  TWO.— Dutch  rapid-fire  talking  act,  by  Harry  L.  Newton 
and  A.  S.  Hoffman;  2  m.  Time  15  m.  Hans,  a  German  mixer.  Gus,  another 
one.  Unique  ludicrous  Dutch  dialect,  interspersed  with  rib-starting  witti¬ 
cisms.  The  style  of  act  made  famous  by  Weber  and  Field. 

THE  TROUBLES  OF  ROZINSKI.— Jew  monologue,  by  Harry  L.  Newton 
and  A.  S.  Hoffman;  1  m.  Time  15  m.  Rozinski,  a  buttonhole-maker,  is 
forced  to  join  the  union  and  go  on  a  “  strike.”  He  has  troubles  every  minute 
that  will  tickle  the  ribs  of  both  Labor  and  Capital. 

WORDS  TO  THE  WISE.— Monologue,  by  Harry  L.  Newton;  1  m.  Time 
about  15  m.  A  typical  vaudeville  talking  act,  which  is  fat  with  funny  lines  v 
and  rich  rare  hits  that  will  be  remembered  and, laughed  over  for  weeks. 

T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher,  163  Randolph  5t.,  Chicago.! 


DENISON’S  ACTING  PLAYS. 

Price  15  Cents  Each,  Postpaid,  Unless  Different  Price  is  Given. 


FARCES  AND  SKETCHES. 

M.  F. 


Assessor,  sketch,  10  min .  3  2 

April  Fools,  30  min .  3  0 

Bad  Job,  30  min .  3  2 

Bardell  vs.  Pickwick,  25  min...  6  2 

Beautiful  Forever,  30  min .  2  2 

Betsy  Baker,  45  min .  2  2 

Blind  Margaret,  musical,  30  m.  3  3 
Borrowed  Luncheon,  20  min...  0  5 

Borrowing  Trouble,  25  min _  3  5 

Box  and  Cox,  35  min .  2  1 

Breezy  Call,  25  min .  2  1 

Bumble’s  Courtship,  18  min...  1  1 

Cabman  No.  93,  40  min. . . .  2  2 

Christmas  Ship,  musical,  20  m.  4  3 

Cobbler,  10  min .  1  0 

Convention  of  Papas,  25  min. ,.  7  0 

Country  Justice,  15  min .  8  0 

Cow  That  Kicked  Chicago,  20 

min . '. . ’  3  2 

Cut  Off  with  a  Shilling,  25  min.  2  1 

Deception,  30  min .  3  2 

Desperate  Situation,  25  min. ...  23 
Documentary  Evidence,  25  min.  1  1 

Dude  in  a  Cyclone,  20  min .  5.3 

Fair  Encounter,  sketch,  20  min.  0  2 

Family  Strike,  20  min .  3  3 

First-Class  Hotel,  20  min .  4  0 

Freezing  a  Mother-in-Law,  45 

min .  3  2 

Great  Medical  Dispensary,  30 

min . . .  6  0 

Hans  Von  Smash,  30  min .  4  3 

Hard  Cider,  temperance,  15  m..  4  2 

Happy  Pair,  25  min .  1  1 

Homoeopathy,  Irish,  30  min....  5  3 

I’ll  Stay  Awhile,  20  min .  4  0 


I’m  Not  Mesilf  at  All,  25  min..  3  2 
Initiating  a  Granger,  25  min.. .  8  0 
In  the  Wrong  House,  20  min. . .  4  2 

Irish  Linen  Peddler,  40  min.. .  3  3 


Is  the  Editor  in?  20  min .  4  2 

John  Smith,  30  min .  5  3 

Just  My  Luck,  20  min .  4  3 

Kansas  Immigrants,  20  min ....  51 

Kiss  in  the  Dark,  30  min .  2  3 

Larkin’s  Love  Letters,  50  min..  3  2 
Lend  Me  Five  Shillings,  40  min.  5  2 

Limerick  Boy,  30  min .  5  2 

Little  Black  Devil,  10  min .  2  1 

Love  and  Rain,  sketch,  20  min.  1  1 

Lucky  Sixpence,  30  min .  4  2 

Lucy’s  Old  Man,  sketch,  15  m.  2  3 
Madame  Princeton’s  Temple  of 

Beauty,  20  min .  0  6 

Mike  Donovan,  15  min .  1  3 

Misses  Beers,  25  min .  3  3 

Mistake  in  Identity,  15  min...  0  2 

Model  of  a  Wife,  25  min .  3  2 

Mrs.  Gamp’s  Tea,  sketch,  15  m.  0  2 

My  Jeremiah,  20  min .  3  2 

My  Lord  in  Livery,  45  min .  4  3 

My  Neighbor’s  Wife,  45  min. .. .  3  3 


M.  F. 

My  Turn.  Next,  50  min .  4  3 

Narrow  Escape,  sketch,  15  m...  0  2 

Not  at  Home,  15  min .  2  0 

Obstinate  Family,  40  min..:. ..  3  3 

On  Guard,  25  min .  4  2 

Only  Cold  Tea,  20  min .  3  3 

Outwitting  the  Colonel,  25  m..  3  2 

Patsy  O’Wang,  35  min .  4  3 

Pat  the  Apothecary,  35  min....  6  2 
Persecuted  Dutchman,  35  min.  6  3 

Pets  of  Society,  30  min .  0  7 

Played  and  Lost,  sketch,  15  m.  3  2 

Pull-Back,  20  min .  0  6 

Quiet  Family,  45  min. . .  4  4 

Realm  of  Time,  musical,  30  min.  8  15 

Regular  Fix,  50  min .  6  4 

Rejected,  40  min .  5  3 

Rough  Diamond,  40  min .  4  3 

Row  in  Kitchen  and  Politician’s 

Breakfast,  2  monologues.. .  ‘1  1 

Silent  Woman,  25  min . .  2  1 

Slasher  and  Crasher,  1  hr.  15  m.  5  2 

Taming  a  Tiger,  20  min .  3  0 

That  Rascal  Pat,  35  min _ ....  3  2 

To  Oblige  Benson,  45  min .  3  2 

Too  Much  for  One  Head,  25  m. .  2  4 
Too  Much  of  a  Good  Thing,  50 

min .  3  6 

Treasure  from  Egypt,  45  min..  4  1 

Trick  Dollar,  30  min .  4  3 

Turn  Him  Out,  50  min .  3  3 

Twenty  Minutes  Under  Um¬ 
brella,  sketch,  20  min .  1  1 

Two  Bonnycastles,  45  min .  3  3 

Two  Gay,  Deceivers,  25  min  ....  3  0 
Two  Gents  in  a  Fix,  20  min....  2  0 
Two  Ghosts  in  White,  25  min..  0  8 

Two  of  a  Kind,  40  min  .  2  3 

Two  Puddifoots.  40  min .  3  3 

Uncle  Dick’s  Mistake,  20  min..  3  2 
Very  Pleasant  Evening,  30  min  3  0 
Wanted:  a  Correspondent,  1  hr.  4  4 

Wanted;  a  Hero,  20  min .  1  1 

Which  Will  He  Marry?  30  min.  2  8 
White  Caps  (The), musical, 30m.  0  8 

Who  is  Who,  40  min .  3  2 

Who  Told  the  Lie?  30  min,....  5  3 
Wide  Enough  for  Two,  50  min.  5  2 
Woman  Hater  (The),  30  min...  2  1 

Wonderful  Letter,  25  min .  4  3 

Wooing  Under  Difficulties,  35 

min .  4  3 

Yankee  Peddler,  1  hr .  7  3 


The  publisher  believes  that  he  can 
say  truthfully  that  Denison’s  list  of 
plays  is  on  the  whole  the  best  se¬ 
lected  and  most  successful  in  the 
market.  New  Plays  will  be  added 
from  time  to  time. 


For  Ethiopian  Plays  see  Catalogue 


T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher,  163  Randolph  St.,  Chicago. 


CHOICE  PLAYS  AND  AMUSEMENT  BOOKS. 


Plays  by  T.  S.  DENISON. 

That  the  plays  written  by  T.  S. 
Denison  are,  all  things  considered, 
the  best  for  amateurs,  is  attested  by 
their  very  large  and  increasing  sale. 
New  plays  in  this  type. 

COMEDIES.  M.  F. 

Odds  with  the  Enemy,  4  acts,  1 

hr.  45  min .  7  4 

Seth  Greenback,  4  acts,  1  hr. 

15  min . .  7  3 

The  School  Ma’am,  4  acts,  1  hr. 

45  min .  6  5 

Only  Daughter,  3  acts,  lhr.  15m.  5  2 
Lou  va,  the  Pauper,  5  acts,  2  hrs.  9  4 
Under  the  Laurels,  5  acts,  2  hrs.  5  4 
Danger  Signal,  2  acts,  lhr.  45m.  7  4 
Our  Country,  Historical  Play, 


3  acts,  l  hr . . . 10  5 

Topp’s  Twins,  4  acts,  2  hrs .  6  4 

It’s  all  in  Pay  Streak,  3  acts,  1 

hr.  40  min .  4  3 


The  New  Woman,  3  acts,  1  hr. .  3  6 

FARCES. 

Initiating  a  Granger,  25  min.. .  8  0 
Wanted: a  Correspondent,  2  acts, 


45  min .  4  4 

A  Family  Strike,  20  min .  3  3 

Two  Ghosts  in  White,  20  min. .  0  8 

The  Assessor,  10  min .  3  2 

Borrowing  Trouble,  20  min....  3  5 

Country  Justice,  20 min .  8  0 

The  Pull-Back,  20  min . . .  0  6 

Hans  von  Smash,  2  acts,  30  min.  4  3 
Irish  Linen  Poddler,  2  acts,  40 

min..  .  3  3 

Kansas  Immigrants,  20  min ....  51 

Too  Much  of  a  Good  Thing,  45 

min .  3  6 

Is  the  Editor  In?  20  min .  4  2 

Pets  of  Society,  20  min .  0  7 

Wide  Enough  for  Two,  45  min.  5  2 

Patsy  O’ Wang,  35  min  .  4  3 

Rejected,  40  min .  5  3 

A  First=Class  Hotel,  20  min.. ..  4  0 
Madame  Princeton’s  Temple  of 

Beauty,  20  min .  0  6 

Dude  in  Cyclone,  20  min . .  5  3 

The  Cobbler,  10  min .  1  0 

A  Convention  of  Papas,  25  min.  7  0 

TEMPERANCE. 

The  Sparkling  Cup.  5  acts,  2  hrs.  12  4 

Hard  Cider,  10  min .  4  2 

Only  Cold  Tea,  20  min .  3  3 


jE-ITTopp’s  Twins,  and  It’s  AH  in 
the  Pay  Streak,  25c  each.  All 


others,  15c  each,  Postpaid. 

OPERETTAS. 

Bonnyhell .  25c. 

Elma,  the  Fairy  Child .  25c. 

Eulalia .  25c. 

Let  Love  But  Hold  the  Key _  25c. 

Pocahontas .  15c. 


DIALOGUES. 

Friday  Afternoon  Dialogues. 

Twenty-five  original  pieces. ..  25c. 
AH  Sorts  of  Dialogues. 

New,  fine  for  older  pupils .  25c. 

When  the  Lessons  are  Over. 

New  Dialogues,  Drills,  Plays..  25c. 
Dialogues  from  Dickens. 

Thirteen  Selections .  25c. 

From  Tots  to  Teens. 

Dialogues  for  youths,  chil¬ 
dren,  little  tots,  pieces  for 
special  occasions. .  25c. 


SPEAKERS. 

Poetical  Entertainer. 

New  original  poems  for  all 
occasions  (bound), illustrated.  50c, 
Friday  Afternoon  Speaker. 


For  pupils  of  all  ages . '..  25c. 

Favorite  Speaker. 

Choice  prose  and  poetry .  25c. 

Comic  Entertainer. 


Comic  recitations,  finalds, 
monologues,  dialogues,  etc....  25c. 
Choice  Pieces  for  Little  People.  25c. 
Patriotic  Speaker. 

Selections  from  best  authors. .  25c. 
Dialect  Readings. 

.Irish, Dutch, Negro, Scotch, etc.,  25c. 
Scrap=Book  Recitations. 

Choice  collections,  pathetic, 
humorous,  descriptive,  prose, 

poetry.  13  Nos.,  per  No..  25c. 

SPECIALTIES,  Entertainments,  etc. 
Best  Drill  Book. 

Taking  Drills  and  Marches.. .  25c. 

Little  Folk’s  Budget. 

Best  book  for  tiny  folks .  25c. 

Shadow  Pictures,  Pantomimes. 

Charades,  and  how  to  prepare,  25c. 
School  and  Parlor  Tableaux. 

For  school,  church  and  parlor,  25c. 


Wax  Figgers  of  Mrs.  Jarley. 

With  full  directions .  25c. 

Private  Theatricals. 

Selecting  plays,  cast,  rehear¬ 
sals,  rain,  lightning,  etc .  25c. 

Negro  Minstrels. 

Tells  the  whole  thing .  25c. 

Black  American  Joker. 

For  minstrel  shows .  25c. 

New  Jolly  Jester. 

Full  of  the  keenest  fun .  25c. 

Work  and  Play. 


A  gem  of  a  book  for  children.  25c. 
One  Hundred  Entertainments. 

New  parlor  diversions,  socials,  25c. 

Pranks  and  Pastimes. 


Games,  puzzles,  shadows .  25c. 

Social  Card  Games. 

Complete  manual . ' .  25c. 

Debater’s  Handbook  (cloth) _  50c. 

Good  Manners .  25c. 

Everybody’s  Letter  Writer _  25c. 


Large „  Catalogue  Free. 

T.  S.  DENISON,  Publisher,  163  Randolph  St.,  Chicago. 


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